Was That Film Really That Bad??? - The Avengers (1998)

And so we arrive at this veritable feast of cinematic brilliance. A film so recognisable, so embedded in the psyche of the general public that even the behemoth that is Marvel decided to change the name of their 2012 low budget indie in order to avoid confusion in the UK. A cinephile's orgasm of plot, characterisation and drama. Action so beyond compare that they have never tried to bring the characters back... Oh! Fuck it! You know the film I'm talking about. And if you don't, you're about to. 

As Babylon 5's Zathras say, "Not the one!"

The 1990's saw a brief resurrection of genre TV shows at the cinema. The Saint tried and and was an honourable failure, whilst Lost in Space aimed for the moon and ended up in that Dr Who quarry off the A40. It was, however, The Avengers that had the most going for it. A recognisable brand, a fine legacy (even The New Avengers had its high points... and no, not those! And it featured an ever-so-chic Hunt. DO NOT say that quickly...), this adaptation was eagerly awaited, especially as it brought together the then-hot casting of Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes and the ever-dependable Sir Sean Connery. Oh, and a budget of $60 million, only $10m less than 1998's Saving Private Ryan and look what they put on screen there! Anticipation ran high.

Connery's "bear" faced cheek at the first script reading.

And anticipation remained, if at rapidly decreasing levels, as the film skipped previews. Yep, never a good sign when the reviewers get to watch a film at the same time as the paying punter. If they had seen it first, maybe they would have asked what the literal fuck was the money spent on? $60m. That's $111,000,000 today. Where did it go? Maybe it was to pay for Sean Connery to wear a fucking teddy bear suit? Maybe it was for a Ben Nevis sized mountain of Columbian sneezing powder, 'cos sure as hell the writers, producers and director were off their tits on something when they thought up this sorry excuse for a 90 minute desecration of the memory of Steed and company. Maybe, just maybe, they did the whole thing for $20 mil and spaffed the rest on a weekend at that Glasto, class A and all? Who knows? Who cares. All that was left was this steaming pile of nostalgia-laced shit that took a beloved TV favourite and passed it through Satan's colon faster than a Brown Ale-coated pork pie. 

Really, WB, really???

Sigh...

Where to begin? The plot, maybe? 

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaalls

So there's this guy, Steed (Fiennes). He works for The Ministry and is tasked by his boss, Mother (a woefully wasted Jim Broadbent), to find out why Dr Emma Peel (Thurman, who has zero on-screen chemistry with Fiennes) has sabotaged her own project, a weather control system named Prospero. She claims innocence, so the pair head off to check out Sir August de Wynter (Connery),a scientist who previously worked at The Ministry. Along the way, we meet Father (Fiona Shaw), second in command of The Ministry, and Bailey (Eddie Izzard), a henchman of de Wynter. Naturally, de Wynter is up to no good, as there is skulduggery, cloning and what not. Oh, and a Grace Jones song for the after party. At 90 minutes, it lasts far, far too long.

Bloody good right to look smug after that payday!

Let's begin with the casting. As noted above, our leads show naff all chemistry or, indeed, likeability. They trade innuendos in performances akin to a local am-dram performance of Romeo and Juliet with Anne Widdicombe and Jacob Rees Mogg in the lead roles, making most of their banter excruciating to watch. You do get to see Connery dressed as a teddy bear, but the rest of it feels like he's phoning it in. Shaw, a superb actress (most recently in Andor), is given little to do, and Izzard, who is sublime on occasion, barely registers at all. And why is Shaun Ryder a henchman? I have no sodding idea! 

If only they'd made a Mr Benn movie!

The state of the casting follows into the setting. It's like the cast are the only living souls on the planet. The 60's TV show had a specific look and style because it was filmed on the cheap. This film wasn't, but they kept the style anyway as a homage and it doesn't work. Logic is missing in action too and, aside from trying to look cool and prove Steed is handy with a brolly, the opening village scene makes bugger all sense. It doesn't get better - the aforementioned teddy bear costumes for one.

Or a remake of The Sweeney?

It feels like the writers got hammered watching old repeats then tried to re-create the magic through the port and brandy induced hangover (never, ever mix those two!) whilst thinking "Cool Britannia" was something more than just a marketing slogan. As per the rules, there's a cheeky voice only cameo for Patrick Macnee (the one, true Steed!), but that is slight comfort. By this point in the film, you'll just want the pain to end. But no, there is more to come, as the "special effects" culminate in badly shot model of a hot air balloon blowing up and then the actual denouement with de Wynter. 

Career symbolism ahoy!

The thing is, do you care that he gets his comeuppance? I didn't by the end of this celluloid mess. You may feel that I am being too hard on The Avengers. You might think that, just as The Saint and Lost in Space had some redeeming features (honestly, The Saint is pretty decent), The Avengers has too. I respect your point of view but you're just plain wrong. It was pulled from its original release date and dumped at the arse end of the summer. It was withheld from critics until its public release. It hit the box office with all of the style and grace of a seagull turd hitting a windscreen.  

"I'm thinking The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen will be a good follow up..."

When I started this series back in 2020, The Avengers was one of the original half dozen or so I wanted to review, having never actually seen it. It took a while, but I found a copy for £1 in CEX. I am pleased I have watched it, because now I can pass on this warning. No matter what good things you may have heard, what tiny, minuscule gems of brilliance you might have read about, The Avengers is a stinker of the highest order and, hand on heart, I can honestly say that yes, this film really is that bad.