A Day Out in Durham

Last Saturday witnessed an assemblage of TWATS at the Vane Tempest Hall on the outskirts of Durham for our annual demonstration game at the Durham Wargames Show. This is a small, local show but it's always nice and welcoming and the game itself is a chance to show off some kit, rules and speak to interested passers-by, which is the point of a demo game, isn't it???

Joining me were Andy, Jim, Steve and Shaun and we were off to the mid-1980's for a spot of Cold War gone hot with Steve's excellent 20mm East and West Germans. Honestly, the pictures don't do them justice, the kit is excellent. Terrain was a mixture of Steve's and Andy's and the rules, well, the rules were Team Yankee. But with a few changes here and there. Let me explain.

I have quite liked TY when we've played them in the past and whilst they are essentially Lionel Tarr with bits on, I have found them quite gamesy and very "BANG! - you're dead!" and that didn't sit well with me, especially for a full day demo game. So, with pad and pen ready, I had a bit of a review.

First off, I got rid of the silly bouncing rule when assaulting - if you fail to pass the roll, you bounce back. Nope, now you get stuck and become even more of a target. I mean, if you hesitate when going in, you'll get punished for it. I also changed the Bailing section. Now I know, in the novel Team Yankee, there are instances of bailing out, but in the game, this is more of a second life mechanism. You're hit, not yet dead; here, have another go. Well, I still allowed that BUT if the attacking vehicle is in range when you did that, you got a good MG-ing as well. If you survived that, you could try and re-mount. If you didn't, bye-bye tank crew. As pointed out to one interested spectator, no vehicle crew plays hokey-cokey with their vehicles in the real world. I also changed the minimum ranges for some of the anti-tank guided weapons, just so they fell in line with their real world counterparts - but more about that later on.

Finally, I completely changed the frontal armour for tanks. Why? Because the front of a tank is not a uniform piece of metal/ceramic/whatever. As it stands, TY gets you to roll for hull or turret impacts but then does nothing else. I didn't like that so sectioned the results of a frontal hit as follows:

• Roll a D6 for where the hit landed: 1-4 hull, 5-6 turret.
• If a hull hit, another D6, 1 or a 6, it's a track shot and results in a mobility kill. 2 to 5 is a straight hit to the hull itself.
• If a turret hit, another D6. 1, 2, 5 and 6 mean a hit to the main turret armour. A 3 or a 4 means a hit to the gun mantlet which on post WW2 tanks is less well armoured than the rest of the turret front.

This, of course, meant playing with the armour values of the tanks to be used in the game, which made them harder than their ruleset counterparts at first sight. For example, the Leopard 2, instead of having a frontal value of 18, now had turret values of 24/18/24, the 18 being for the mantlet. Does that make it very hard to kill? Yes, and doubly so when I also added a side rule stating that the first hit on an L2, if it bettered the defense value, had no overall effect. However, another hit on the same spot would use the lower frontal value, resulting in an easier kill for the second shot but taking into account the abilities of the armour package as designed in the real world to take multiple hits (at least in development, it did), so second hit values of 18/18/18.

All tanks were amended accordingly, so the Leopard 1 had turret values of 12/9/12, the T-72 20/15/20 and the T-55 14/10/14.

With that covered, let's get on with the game. As Andy has already pointed out, it was Day 6 of the War and the Warsaw Pact forces had shot their bolt. It was time for a Western counter strike to reclaim lost territory, in this case, the town of Bratberg. The East German forces held the town, forming a defensive line along the autobahn. These comprised of six T-55's, a platoon each of BMP-1's and BTR-60's, one SA-9 and 1 Shilka AAA, two BRDM-2 with AT 5's, an HQ platoon and three PT-76's for flavour. There was one BM-21 and a Hind D on call. Reserves of six T-72's were off the board to begin with, depending upon a dice roll for where and when they appeared.

Shaun's initial deployment

Steve's initial deployment

Attacking would be a scratch force of West Germans, six Leopard 1A5's, four Leopard 2A1's, two Jaguar's with HOT, two platoons of Marders, one platoon in TPZ-1's, two Luch's recce vehicles, 1 Gepard AA and one Marder Roland. An MBB-105 with HOT was also available.

Andy and Jim took the West Germans and decided on a bit of a feint, with Jim taking a platoon of Marders, both Jaguars and a detached TPZ squad to probe the Ossie's right. He also had the helo in support. Andy led the strike against the Ossie left with everything else; the Leopard 1's and the Marder platoon in the lead, followed by the AA detachment, the Leopard 2's and finally the remaining TPZ's.

Steve and Shaun formed a defensive line with the road bridge over the autobahn dividing their forces. These were pretty evenly split, the BMP's holding the Ossie right with three T-55's, and the BTR-60's helping the remaining T-55's on the left. With that all set up, we were off to the races.

Pretty much nothing happened for the first few turns as Jim and Andy got into position, Jim approaching the T-55/BMP line cautiously. Once the action started, though, it got a bit more interesting and for the sake of clarity, I'll describe each flank in its entirety, starting with Jim.

Jim starting off

Once both sides were in missile range, dice were rolled and a game of attrition began - the missiles out-ranged the 100mm tank guns which meant that when there were hits, the targets invariably died. Long range ATGW fire was very tit-for-tat. Jim de-bussed his infantry for the long slog to the treeline (keeping out of range of tank fire) and in doing so took two salvos of BM-21 fire which killed two infantry squads by the end of the game. Even the appearance of the MBB-105 didn't cause that much excitement as although it managed one T-55 kill, it missed on the rest of its shots. It died at the hands of the SA-9 after Steve moved it out of cover. It took some doing but eventually, Jim wore down Steve's East Germans to 1 BMP, the Shilka and four infantry squads. In doing so, he lost a Marder, both Jaguars, a Luchs and the MBB-105.

West Germans obviously forgot to pay the taxi fare...

Jim means business...

If all that sounds rather boring, it wasn't. It was, however, bitty and it took a good fifteen (15!) turns to get to that point, including one turn (#10), where out of six rounds of firing, only one hit was scored! Truly bum dice rolling indeed! However, this feint allowed Andy to do the business on his side of the road so the sacrifices made by Jim were not in vain.

Andy led off with the Marder platoon, coming into contact with Shaun's T-55's. Although he covered his forces with 120mm mortar fire (using Asquith's rules for WW2 as I don't like how TY handles artillery and mortars - although the physical copy of Asquith I picked up at the Durham show for £1 served as a handy template!), Andy rolled snake eyes more than once for his mortar fire - Oops! He had to get closer to the Ossie line. This was where the amended hit rules came into play.

As early as turn 8, Andy's Leopard 1's were effective, killing a T-55 and a BRDM, whilst attaining mobility kills against two more T-55's. The following turn saw a mobility hit against a Leopard 1 and another dead T-55/BRDM combo. Turn 10 finally saw the appearance of the first T-72 unit, right where they needed to be! The missed with each shot they fired! Shaun was not overly impressed. Andy's return killed two of the three T-72's.

Looks rather impressive...

At this point, Mr B Bunny Esq declared "This means war!" and the East German Hind appeared. A very brief but illuminating conversation was had by Steve and Shaun towards me. You see, the AT-6 on a Hind, in TY world, has a range of 20 inches - under half the range of HOT and just over half for Milan. In the real world, the AT-6 out ranges Milan 5 km to 2 km so not unreasonably, I, as merely a humble umpire, thought sod that and gave the AT-6 the range to hit whichever target Steve wanted to aim for. I'll cover more on the range issue at the end of the post.

Mr Hind makes an appearance...

Mr Roland thinks he shouldn't.

All of that was for no effect as the Hind missed and was promptly shot down by the Marder Roland. Oh well. Not to be dissuaded, the final three T-72's rolled on to the table and Steve also moved his PT-76's to the line, meaning the surviving East German forces occupied a tank heavy line behind cover. Facing them was pretty much all of Andy's forces minus the mobility kill Leopard 1.

Charge!!!

The climax of the battle was pretty much a dice fest for each side, with more misses than hits, plus plenty of mobility kills which prevented any kind of withdrawal. The PT-76's lived a charmed life for a turn, killing two Marders. They didn't last long, yet Andy was hurting too as the T-72's proved rather effective against the Leopard 1's and even got a mobility kill on a Leopard 2! Shaun had one T-72 crew bail out - they survived their MG experience - but that didn't help as additional fire killed their tank dead. By turn 15, it was all over, with Andy reduced to plinking BTR-60's. There was a brief round of infantry fire but that ended up evens. Overall though, it was over for the East Germans.

The final defence before...

And after...

How over? Well, quite over. They had 1 BMP, the Shilka, two BTR-60's, a T-72, the SA-9 and the HQ unit (plus six infantry squads). The West Germans had three Leopard 2's, 2 Leopard 1's, four Marders plus infantry and the untouched TPZ platoon. The East Germans withdrew, leaving the town of Bratberg to be liberated.

Looking back at the game, the participants said they enjoyed it and I certainly enjoyed umpiring it. Umpiring is a conscious choice in wargaming and I often hear how people don't like it as it means they don't get to play the game. The fun I had was in knowing the period and using that knowledge to run a game that would be both fun and true to the period. And be a twat. :-)

There were issues encountered, both with my amendments (which I'll refine for the next time, which we don't know when that will be but it will be a while of yet, variety and all that being important to our club) and the rules themselves. I am still not happy with the handling of artillery in TY and I really don't like how they group arty and mortars in the same class. They aren't and that should be reflected appropriately in any rules.

The biggest bug bear - ranges. To be Frank (not Turner, Eddie!), TY's ranges are all over the place. Along with the aforementioned AT-6 issue, Steve pointed out the range of Roland compared to the Hind's armament. Roland has a range of 56 inches (8 km in the real world), yet compare that to the AT-6 (20 inches/5 km). MG and rifle fire were also discussed (AKM rifle 8 inches, G3 16 inches - yet although the bullets may travel further, effective rifle range for most infantry in the real world is rarely over 300-400m, whatever tools they are using - and yes, I am aware that it's different in Afghanistan but that's a different case altogether). The ranges are very gamesy and as Steve pointed out, it only took thirty seconds to find the relevant information online about real world ranges.

What this means is that some more fiddling about with the rules is needed and this will be done in time. That may offend some ruleset purists who declare that the written word is gospel but for me, and the rest of the TWATS, the rules form the framework, not the entirety of a game. If it is bollocks in the rules, we call it and change it. And Lord forbid what people think of us playing Team Yankee with non-TY kit!!! Speaking of rules, Jim did pose the question, "What would it have been like with Combined Arms? Same scenario, just a different ruleset". Good question and one that we may answer in a future Saturday game.

One final point. The game was designed as a demonstration game. In other words, to show what wargaming can be like and for anyone who was interested to stop us and ask questions. This people did and it was part of  the enjoyment of the day to talk to different people and inform them of what we were doing. It was not, and never will be a chore to talk about my hobby when putting something like this on. Some demo wargamers at other shows should follow that train of thought too.

Black Books

For those of you, like me, who didn't watch Black Books when it had its first run on Channel 4 between 2000 and 2004, well, you missed a little cracker.

Created by Dylan Moran and Graham Linehan, Black Books is a small scale, low budget sit-com centered on Bernard Black (played by Moran) and his unique bookshop, the aforementioned Black Books in the heart of Bloomsbury. Bernard's closest friend, Fran (Tamsin Grieg), owns a trendy gift shop next door selling, as she describes it, a "load of wank". This changes at the end of series two when Goliath Books moves in. Finishing off the central trio of the cast is the ever superb Bill Bailey as Manny, a former accountant who by sheer luck ends up as Bernard's assistant in the shop and the perfect foil to Moran (Manny's surname is Bianco, just to confirm the point).

Bernard hates the world and pretty much everyone in it, especially customers, who always seem to interrupt his drinking, smoking and reading. Manny and Fran try many different ways to get Bernard to change his view of the world, whilst he resolutely ignores every attempt made to do so.

The show lasted three six-episode series and benefits, like that great sit-com of the 1970's, Flowery Twats, of a limited run and very tight scripting. Less is definitely more. At the same time, the show managed to get pretty much a who's who of British comedy at the time to star. Kevin Eldon, Simon Pegg, Keith Allan, Martin Freeman, Nick Frost, Sam Kelly (klop!) and Peter Seranifowicz are just a handful of the guest stars. Some may only have a couple of lines but they all bring their best to the show.

Black Books combines word play and physical comedy, the latter coming most from Bailey who is on fine form. He also bears the brunt of Bernard's scathing barbs, a running gag concerning Bailey's appearance; Hawkwind, Gandalf and Jesus are just some of the names he gets tagged with. He also provides some of the most surreal moments of the show, the first episode, after swallowing the Little Book of Calm being a prime example.

Greig gives and takes as good as Bailey though, adding a layer of neurosis to Fran that breaks the surface at all of the wrong times. She has some good standout moments too, especially with a school friend hen party. She doesn't have much luck with men, despite trying her best but fate always seems to intervene.

It is Moran, however, that holds the show together, whether surrounded by a fog of cigarette smoke, knocking back the wine or just being plain unpleasant to people in general. He gives the show its icy/flinty heart and never lets go. He personifies the "don't give a shit" attitude and despite his friend's best efforts (and the feelings of friendship and paternity he has towards Fran and Manny respectively), he is never going to change.

Picking stand out episodes out of the eighteen made is difficult as there isn't a bad one among them. True, some are better than others but even the weakest is still good. However, I'll have go:

Series One:

Grapes of Wrath - having to leave the shop as it needs to be cleaned (by Kevin Eldon, "Dirty!"), Bernard and Manny agree to house sit for a friend of Bernard's. They can drink any of the cheap wine but none of the special vintage that the friend will give to the Pope. Well, they drink one of the vintage wines and spend an hysterical five minutes of the show re-inventing the wine. It is a perfect homage to every Frankenstein film ever made, completed perfectly by the under-played punchline at the end of the episode.

He's Leaving Home - the final episode of the first series, Manny leaves the shop as he is tired of the abuse he is receiving and ends up being exploited by an adult photographer (Omid Djalili). Surreal doesn't begin to describe what happens, and whilst Manny does end up materially better, morally he is in a much worse place. Suffice to say, he does return, but watch out for the final shot of the item that falls out of Manny's pocket.

Series Two:

The Entertainer - kicking off series two with style, this episode focuses on Fran learning to play the piano. Nether she, nor Bernard can, but Manny's ability, and their lies, end up with Manny inside the piano whilst Fran brags to a trio of blind Russian musicians and Bernard shows off to a woman he fancies. Bailey carries off the episode brilliantly, giving a manic yet resigned performance.

Hello Sun - the yoga episode where Fran takes up a healthier lifestyle with friend Eva (Jessica Hynes). Despite her best efforts, the controlling Eva puts too many limitations on Fran. That and a second plot where Bernard starts diagnosing Manny using Freud intertwine is a great way.

Series Three:

Manny Come Home - the series opener where Goliath Books has opened next door (led by manager Simon Pegg) and Manny has left Bernard to work there. This is a sublime episode, Pegg bringing an eerie seriousness to his role. What really got me about this episode was the management speak used by Pegg's character. If you work in any job using current management practices, you'll find this episode both funny and disturbing, in that whilst the show takes the mickey out of the whole "smile and you will enjoy it" attitude as you get to do really crappy jobs and change your personality to fit the corporate template, the real world has changed. It demonstrates that what was almost a fad fifteen years ago has now become standard practice in the modern workplace, at least having asked a few friends. The show took another swing at management speak in series two (The Fixer) and hit a boundary with that too. I'll say no more, so as not to spoil the show or get myself into too much trouble! Oh, and the picture of what Manny should look like in the workplace!!!

Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa - where we get to meet Manny's parents (Annette Crosbie and the forever brilliant Sam Kelly (klop!)). The best part of this episode, outside of Manny's fibs to his parents as to how his life is going, is the restaurant scene where, to get away from the conversation, both Bernard and Fran hide under the table and find a cocktail bar ready for them. Surreal as hell, yes, but also brilliantly funny.

One of the extras on the DVD copy of Black Books I watched were the out-takes for each series. Watching those was as funny as the show itself and definitely gives the impression that the show was a hoot to make and that every member of the cast enjoyed themselves immensely (Crosbie dropping the F bomb is a sight to behold). As a sign of how times have changed, I don't think Black Books could be made in the current climate, the amount of alcohol and smoking would guarantee a hissy fit from any of the major TV networks these days, even Channel Four. And yet, if you get the chance, give it a go. Each episode is only 25 minutes long and it doesn't take too long to get through a series. As I said above, the scripting is tight and the characterisations spot on. Highly recommended.