Warehouse 13

When it comes to television shows, my tastes tend to veer towards the sci-fi and fantasy genres with some action and drama to add a bit of variety (plus a hint of Lark Rise to Candleford, which I'll explain in a bit). As such, most of the shows I watch tend to be American in origin, they of course having a history of sci-fi shows that tend to outshine the UK's own stellar output. An admission here - I love a lot of the homegrown shows, and not just the usual suspects like Dr. Who and Blake's 7. There are fantastic shows such as The Box of Delights, Quatermass, Doomwatch and Star Cops. No, what I mean is that there tends to be a greater acceptance of sci-fant in the US, which combined with the greater number of television networks and distribution mediums, leads to a much greater number of shows. UK output, even when they do feature a sci-fant background, tend to be more reserved and I get the feeling that the genre as a whole is sniffed at by TV execs in general, so what is produced is either aimed at children or ends up going for the cerebral angle and winds up dour and somber. The aforementioned Box of Delights was a 1980's children's program that transcended its target audience. It also helps US shows that they tend to have a higher budget per episode.

This brings me to Warehouse 13, a US (Canadian produced) SyFy show that lasted five seasons from 2009 to 2014. The premise is that artifacts with unique attributes are collected and stored in a secret warehouse so that they cannot pose a threat to humanity. The Warehouse is governed by a group known as the Regents, who monitor the Special Agent in Charge and their team of agents as they scour the globe (usually the USA, which is always Canada dressed up a bit - think of the Dr Who/Blake's 7 quarry setting - it's amazing what you can do with a bit of set dressing) for said artifacts. Naturally, there are those who which to use those objects for their own gain/world domination/insert reason of the week here and the show did a very good job over 64 episodes to portray that.

Despite the serious sounding description above, Warehouse 13 was a light hearted show and could be very whimsical at times and it managed the duality of action and whimsy very well. That is due to the generally good writing (though there were some stinkers during its run) and the excellent cast. Saul Rubinek, always a joy to watch, inhabits the role of Arthur (Arty) Nielson with a warmth that comes across naturally, His occasional grumpiness and ever present heartfelt humanity combine to give a well rounded core to the show. This wouldn't work, however, if the two agents he manages were poorly cast, but they got that right too. Joanne Kelly nails it as the studious and serious Myka Bering, whilst Eddie McClintock very neatly fuses the "Pete Latimer - geeky man-child" with "Pete Latimer - former alcoholic ex-Marine". Indeed, McClintock is the comic heart of the show and Kelly is the perfect foil for this. There is also the almost obligatory "will they/won't they" angle which is addressed in the final season. Both characters work to each other's strengths and form a prefect triad with Nielson.

That is not to say the additional cast are any less good.. CCH Pounder is perfectly sphinx-like in the role of Regent Mrs Frederick. Initially a cipher, her character development reveals greater and more intriguing depths as the show progresses. Allison Scagliotti, as (an almost stereotypical) rock chick hacker Claudia Donovan could be one note at times but, on the whole, added a younger vibe to the show and the near paternal banter between Donovan and Nielson is a high point of the show. The same can be said for Aaron Ashmore's Steve Jinks, a late-comer to season three. I can see why the character was introduced (and is indeed handled well throughout season three) but you do get the feeling that at times, they didn't know what to do with him. Once embedded in the cast though, Ashmore visibly has more fun in the role and the natural chemistry with Claudia is a hoot. Less well handled, however, is Genelle Williams, playing Lena, the owner of the B&B the agents live in. Although a cast regular, her appearances are not and it is not until season four that her role becomes more significant.

Of the recurring cast members, mention must be made of Jaime Murray's Helena G Wells (yes, that Wells!). Although quite a wooden actress (her delivery is at times note perfect with a role she had in Dexter), you do end up liking the character and she plays the part well.

Guest appearances are something else and they pick actors liberally from other genre shows (Alphas, The Bionic Woman, Star Trek, Torchwood and Buffy the Vampire Slayer to name a few). There are always going to be genre favourite actors and when they do turn up, it's a nice bit of geekery to see. What is evident, no matter who appears, is that they always seem to be enjoying themselves - Anthony Stewart Head as Paracelsus gives a hint of what an older Giles (BtVS) would have been like and he gives it his all in a panto worthy turn, adding a nasty edge to the role just for kicks.

Tonally, as mentioned above, the show was mostly light-hearted and whimsical, playing well with the concept. There is comedy, drama and action. The show was never afraid of presenting adult themes and killed off more than one or two of the main cast. The warehouse itself was destroyed at one point but an artifact saved the day, a running theme throughout the show that even they referenced from time to time. There were also crossover episodes with Eureka, another SyFy show of the time but they were limited to Claudia and Fargo (from that show), so effectively just extended cameos.

Were there issues with the show? Yeah, a couple. One was episode count. Respectively the seasons contained 12, 13, 13, 20 and 6 episodes. The elongated fourth season permitted two villain arcs but the truncated fifth was ordered just to give the show a send off after cancellation was announced at the end of season four. At least this was better than Eureka where cast and crew had to be hastily re-assembled in order to complete a final episode to be tacked onto what turned out to be the shows final season. The short fifth season does mean character and story arcs are a tad rushed but they still nailed the landing.

Aside from pacing issues, there was what can only be described as the bane of TV shows portraying the wider world - back-lot and set-dressing to hide the fact they were still in Canada. The most obvious of these were the 19th Century London set episodes following the backstory of HG Wells and Warehouse 12. It always seemed to be the same three buildings and a street corner. I am also sure that the "Moscow" streets were also "Paris" later in the same series, but hey-ho, it's all about illusion, though the portrayal of "Watford Racecourse" and the b-roll footage of "Paris" with a UK National Lottery ticket pod did raise chuckles.

Then there was the CGI. Now before anyone gets up to say that they only had a TV budget, I get it. You can only have so much money to show what you want on-screen but, like its stablemate Eureka, Warehouse 13 relied a lot on CGI: some of it decent, some of it terrible. Looking back, it adds a certain charm to the show even though the sheer naffness of it at times destroys all sense of disbelief. Then again, that's never harmed Dr Who throughout the decades.

The thing about Warehouse 13 is that was meant to be fun and funny, and it was both of those things. Whether you got the geeky references or the historical bon mots detailing the background of the artifacts, WH13 gave you 45 minutes of easy watching television and there are times when that is all you need. That sense of fun was no less apparent than in the establishing location shots. They must have had great fun deciding what each one would be. one favourite of mine is the establishing shot of Boston where the S in Boston kicks the T into the Charles River.

I was going to list a few of my favourite episodes but there are more than just a few and that could get a little tedious so I'll tell you about two episodes, both from the final season, that neatly sum up WH13.

"Savage Seduction", fourth of the season's six episodes, switches between two plots. Claudia and Steve investigate a campus where an artifact splits people into two so they can study and party at the same time (Steve, being gay, gets split into campy and straight versions of himself, the results of which are hilarious without falling into the stereotypical pit hole). Pete, helping his former girlfriend whose grandmother is trapped inside a Mexican tele-novella, is joined in there by Myka and Arty and the results are even funnier. It's in Spanish, so the cast's reaction to hearing themselves speaking Spanish is brilliant. Embracing the tele-novella format, the acting is so OTT that it reaches pantomime levels of absurdity, especially when the cast switch between their own persona and the tele-novella persona - the Mariachi band blaring away and the wind wafting across their faces at each transition never gets old. Indeed, the transitions get more exaggerated each time and I am sure Pete's mustache is insured by PETA. The OTT theme encompasses the whole episode, from the little Mariachi band during the opening credits to the revised theme during the closing credits. This episode shows the entire cast and crew aiming for the boundary and knocking it out of the park with ease.

"Endless" is the season (and show) finale, so what do they do? They do a clip show. For those of you who don't know, clip shows are used to fill an episode where the producers want to save money or there is a production strike or whatever. They re-use a ton of clips from previous episodes with the bare minimum of new scenes to tie it all together. They are cheap fillers. A classic example for those who have seen it is Star Trek: The Next Generation's season two episode "Shades of Gray". It is diabolical. They ran out of money for the season so produced the only clip episode in TNG's run and it did not go down well, to say the least. Anyhoo, back to WH13 and they finish the show on a clip episode, yet they play with that. Yes, it has the format of a clip show but they are all new clips, subverting the formula. They saved up for this one and boy, does it show! Starting off with a fantastic tap routine (42nd Street), they riff off Fantastic Voyage before ending with a sense of closure for the cast and a brief glimpse of the future. It is slightly forced (they could have used a feature length show for this to be honest) but they did a good job and I have seen far worse series endings. I felt quite sad the last time the credits rolled.

Alongside Eureka, Warehouse 13 is damn good light science fiction television. That it got 64 episodes is kind of a blessing and for me, it could have continued on for at least another couple of seasons. Having said that, going out when you at the top of your game is no bad thing.

Oh, and Lark Rise to Candleford? I watched the show a couple of years ago upon the recommendation of my better half and I quite enjoyed it. As a BBC period piece, it was a tad too twee for me but it was something relaxing to watch. For those of you who have seen it, may I pose a question? Wouldn't the set up lend itself to a period detective show in the style of Murder She Wrote with Postmistress Dorcus Lane as the sleuth? No? Just me then. Oh well, I'll save that for the fan fiction.

The Magnusson Protocol

No, not a Robert Ludlum thriller, but more like a state of mind to be in when I approach a new book, TV show, game, whatever really. It can be summed up in a simple phrase: "I've started, so I'll finish."

You see, I have recently read a pair of books (of a trilogy - the third part has not been completed yet) and watched a TV series that have both invoked the Magnusson Protocol, the former being a good example of sticking with something, the latter less so. Let me explain.

Stephen Kotkin's Stalin: Paradoxes of Power 1878 - 1928 and Stalin: Waiting for Hitler 1928 - 1941 are, without doubt, two of the most exhaustively researched and highly detailed accounts of the life of Stalin and the Russian Empire/Soviet Union I have ever read. Not quite as personal as Simon Sebag Montefiore's superlative duo of tomes, Kotkin's work is truly on an epic scale while, at the same time, maintaining a personal focus on Stalin and those around him. For those who measure such things, the hardback second volume contains 900 pages of densely packed type before you get to the notes and bibliography. They take up another 200 pages of even smaller type.

It took me a good month to get through the first volume in paperback and I approached the second with some trepidation, knowing full well this would be a long slog to the end. There is nothing wrong with the style of writing, nor does it need any editing - there is just an awful lot to read and the second volume took about six weeks to wade through. If I were to complain about anything, well, that would be his propensity (as an Yank - sorry, American) to refer to the British as Brits (and individuals as a Brit) in volume one. It's a smidge annoying and he only does it once in volume two so I'll leave it there, but you know, no one else gets the shortened nationality so why should we...

Educational, informative and enlightening, I am pleased I stayed with these books and I will read the third when it is published. That is not to say I actually enjoyed reading them. That is something entirely different, but the knowledge I gained from completing the two volumes has, in my opinion, outweighed the struggle of getting through them. It was good to finish, as indeed I had started. If you have an interest in the period, by all means give them a go, you may find them an easier read than I did.

The TV show that also invoked the Protocol was Luke Cage. Now in its second season, this show had built up a decent base of expectation, with its soul, character and writing. True, there were issues with pacing and the musical accompaniment that made each episode feel like a riff on "Opportunity Knocks", either that or some record label paid a lot to have their bands perform in the show, but overall, season one showed promise. All season two had to do was provide a decent story and improve on the weaknesses. It didn't.

Season two has all of the faults of the first: the pacing is glacially slow and doesn't really kick off until episode 5. Yep, episode 5 of 13. It feels like once again, the writers of a Marvel show have a cracking set of storylines to fill eight hours of brilliant television and then get told that the network have booked a 13 episode season - but since the budget was for the 8 hour story, they have to stretch everything out to cover the mandated air time - and that means the pacing goes all to hell. The show still has the musical interludes, covered as acts performing in one of the main locations, so you have between five and ten minutes (of a roughly 55-60 minute episode) of bands/groups/solo artists performing. Why? Well, why not? It fills in the run time. Except that even when these sections are woven into the story telling, they drag the episode to a halt, destroying any pace built up and making even those short hours feel like they are a lot, lot longer. Ignoring the advertising function of these sections, they add nothing else to the show.

Not that the negatives end there. Oh no. The Netflix/Marvel TV shows have always tended to look right, that enough money was spent to make sure that, whatever other faults they had, they didn't look cheap. Well, this season of Luke Cage might be the tipping point. I understand that location filming in New York is expensive but when most of that location shooting is in an old warehouse, on a dis-used wharf or in some generic back street, you might want to consider your future options. It also affects the balancing act that every superhero TV show and film has to make - swinging between drama and over-the-top antics. Whereas the likes of Jessica Jones veers towards drama, if a little dour at times, and Daredevil keeps us knee deep in red leather, Cage is hitting that OTT limit, even when it doesn't mean to. From the overuse of slow motion camera work in fight (and walking) scenes to the visibly fragile props (tables, walls, padlocks - they all look like they were made on Blue Peter), the show is heading dangerously close to the 1970's Spiderman TV show in the levels of naffness and I can't help but feel that the show's budget needs a bit of a pick me up if they want to keep the New York filming.

Direction is leaden despite the regular change over of directors and this impacts the acting too, as most of the regular cast aren't that bad, or at least they weren't in season one. Now, however, Alfie Woodard's scheming villainess starts at Pantomime dame levels and camps it up higher and Theo Rossi's Shades is just a pastiche now - all sharp, too-tight suits, whisper level delivery and sunglasses at night. Even Mike Coulter, as the titular character, seems to be phoning it in, either gruff and bored or gruff and angry whilst looking bored. There is only so much broody-face you can get away with in one episode, yet this spans the whole season. I am presuming the tone of the characters was a conscious decision by the showrunners but for the most part, the cast come across as caricatures at best and lazy stereotypes at worst.

If, by reading all of the above, you may think I don't like the show at all. To be honest, it's not about liking it, more in being terribly disappointed in it. There were some good points - the best being the one episode cameo by Iron Fist who, surprisingly for his character, isn't annoying. It does give me some faith that Iron Fist season two might atone for the sins of the first season. Maybe...

So, back to the Magnusson Protocol. When telling a friend about the issues I was having watching Luke Cage, he commented that I should give up on it, that it was a waste of time if I wasn't enjoying it. I can see the point he was making and on a level, agree with it. However, if I had stopped half way through, I would not be in a position to make a fully informed comment on the show or make a judgement as whether or not to watch another season if one is made. It's a personal choice, as with all things leisure time related, but I think that there is something to be said for not giving up just because it's not really working for you at the beginning. In the case of the books, they fulfilled their purpose albeit with a bit of a struggle. With the TV show, it failed to be entertaining but knowing why it wasn't and what I feel didn't work, I will know better in future.

A Day Out in Durham

Last Saturday witnessed an assemblage of TWATS at the Vane Tempest Hall on the outskirts of Durham for our annual demonstration game at the Durham Wargames Show. This is a small, local show but it's always nice and welcoming and the game itself is a chance to show off some kit, rules and speak to interested passers-by, which is the point of a demo game, isn't it???

Joining me were Andy, Jim, Steve and Shaun and we were off to the mid-1980's for a spot of Cold War gone hot with Steve's excellent 20mm East and West Germans. Honestly, the pictures don't do them justice, the kit is excellent. Terrain was a mixture of Steve's and Andy's and the rules, well, the rules were Team Yankee. But with a few changes here and there. Let me explain.

I have quite liked TY when we've played them in the past and whilst they are essentially Lionel Tarr with bits on, I have found them quite gamesy and very "BANG! - you're dead!" and that didn't sit well with me, especially for a full day demo game. So, with pad and pen ready, I had a bit of a review.

First off, I got rid of the silly bouncing rule when assaulting - if you fail to pass the roll, you bounce back. Nope, now you get stuck and become even more of a target. I mean, if you hesitate when going in, you'll get punished for it. I also changed the Bailing section. Now I know, in the novel Team Yankee, there are instances of bailing out, but in the game, this is more of a second life mechanism. You're hit, not yet dead; here, have another go. Well, I still allowed that BUT if the attacking vehicle is in range when you did that, you got a good MG-ing as well. If you survived that, you could try and re-mount. If you didn't, bye-bye tank crew. As pointed out to one interested spectator, no vehicle crew plays hokey-cokey with their vehicles in the real world. I also changed the minimum ranges for some of the anti-tank guided weapons, just so they fell in line with their real world counterparts - but more about that later on.

Finally, I completely changed the frontal armour for tanks. Why? Because the front of a tank is not a uniform piece of metal/ceramic/whatever. As it stands, TY gets you to roll for hull or turret impacts but then does nothing else. I didn't like that so sectioned the results of a frontal hit as follows:

• Roll a D6 for where the hit landed: 1-4 hull, 5-6 turret.
• If a hull hit, another D6, 1 or a 6, it's a track shot and results in a mobility kill. 2 to 5 is a straight hit to the hull itself.
• If a turret hit, another D6. 1, 2, 5 and 6 mean a hit to the main turret armour. A 3 or a 4 means a hit to the gun mantlet which on post WW2 tanks is less well armoured than the rest of the turret front.

This, of course, meant playing with the armour values of the tanks to be used in the game, which made them harder than their ruleset counterparts at first sight. For example, the Leopard 2, instead of having a frontal value of 18, now had turret values of 24/18/24, the 18 being for the mantlet. Does that make it very hard to kill? Yes, and doubly so when I also added a side rule stating that the first hit on an L2, if it bettered the defense value, had no overall effect. However, another hit on the same spot would use the lower frontal value, resulting in an easier kill for the second shot but taking into account the abilities of the armour package as designed in the real world to take multiple hits (at least in development, it did), so second hit values of 18/18/18.

All tanks were amended accordingly, so the Leopard 1 had turret values of 12/9/12, the T-72 20/15/20 and the T-55 14/10/14.

With that covered, let's get on with the game. As Andy has already pointed out, it was Day 6 of the War and the Warsaw Pact forces had shot their bolt. It was time for a Western counter strike to reclaim lost territory, in this case, the town of Bratberg. The East German forces held the town, forming a defensive line along the autobahn. These comprised of six T-55's, a platoon each of BMP-1's and BTR-60's, one SA-9 and 1 Shilka AAA, two BRDM-2 with AT 5's, an HQ platoon and three PT-76's for flavour. There was one BM-21 and a Hind D on call. Reserves of six T-72's were off the board to begin with, depending upon a dice roll for where and when they appeared.

Shaun's initial deployment

Steve's initial deployment

Attacking would be a scratch force of West Germans, six Leopard 1A5's, four Leopard 2A1's, two Jaguar's with HOT, two platoons of Marders, one platoon in TPZ-1's, two Luch's recce vehicles, 1 Gepard AA and one Marder Roland. An MBB-105 with HOT was also available.

Andy and Jim took the West Germans and decided on a bit of a feint, with Jim taking a platoon of Marders, both Jaguars and a detached TPZ squad to probe the Ossie's right. He also had the helo in support. Andy led the strike against the Ossie left with everything else; the Leopard 1's and the Marder platoon in the lead, followed by the AA detachment, the Leopard 2's and finally the remaining TPZ's.

Steve and Shaun formed a defensive line with the road bridge over the autobahn dividing their forces. These were pretty evenly split, the BMP's holding the Ossie right with three T-55's, and the BTR-60's helping the remaining T-55's on the left. With that all set up, we were off to the races.

Pretty much nothing happened for the first few turns as Jim and Andy got into position, Jim approaching the T-55/BMP line cautiously. Once the action started, though, it got a bit more interesting and for the sake of clarity, I'll describe each flank in its entirety, starting with Jim.

Jim starting off

Once both sides were in missile range, dice were rolled and a game of attrition began - the missiles out-ranged the 100mm tank guns which meant that when there were hits, the targets invariably died. Long range ATGW fire was very tit-for-tat. Jim de-bussed his infantry for the long slog to the treeline (keeping out of range of tank fire) and in doing so took two salvos of BM-21 fire which killed two infantry squads by the end of the game. Even the appearance of the MBB-105 didn't cause that much excitement as although it managed one T-55 kill, it missed on the rest of its shots. It died at the hands of the SA-9 after Steve moved it out of cover. It took some doing but eventually, Jim wore down Steve's East Germans to 1 BMP, the Shilka and four infantry squads. In doing so, he lost a Marder, both Jaguars, a Luchs and the MBB-105.

West Germans obviously forgot to pay the taxi fare...

Jim means business...

If all that sounds rather boring, it wasn't. It was, however, bitty and it took a good fifteen (15!) turns to get to that point, including one turn (#10), where out of six rounds of firing, only one hit was scored! Truly bum dice rolling indeed! However, this feint allowed Andy to do the business on his side of the road so the sacrifices made by Jim were not in vain.

Andy led off with the Marder platoon, coming into contact with Shaun's T-55's. Although he covered his forces with 120mm mortar fire (using Asquith's rules for WW2 as I don't like how TY handles artillery and mortars - although the physical copy of Asquith I picked up at the Durham show for £1 served as a handy template!), Andy rolled snake eyes more than once for his mortar fire - Oops! He had to get closer to the Ossie line. This was where the amended hit rules came into play.

As early as turn 8, Andy's Leopard 1's were effective, killing a T-55 and a BRDM, whilst attaining mobility kills against two more T-55's. The following turn saw a mobility hit against a Leopard 1 and another dead T-55/BRDM combo. Turn 10 finally saw the appearance of the first T-72 unit, right where they needed to be! The missed with each shot they fired! Shaun was not overly impressed. Andy's return killed two of the three T-72's.

Looks rather impressive...

At this point, Mr B Bunny Esq declared "This means war!" and the East German Hind appeared. A very brief but illuminating conversation was had by Steve and Shaun towards me. You see, the AT-6 on a Hind, in TY world, has a range of 20 inches - under half the range of HOT and just over half for Milan. In the real world, the AT-6 out ranges Milan 5 km to 2 km so not unreasonably, I, as merely a humble umpire, thought sod that and gave the AT-6 the range to hit whichever target Steve wanted to aim for. I'll cover more on the range issue at the end of the post.

Mr Hind makes an appearance...

Mr Roland thinks he shouldn't.

All of that was for no effect as the Hind missed and was promptly shot down by the Marder Roland. Oh well. Not to be dissuaded, the final three T-72's rolled on to the table and Steve also moved his PT-76's to the line, meaning the surviving East German forces occupied a tank heavy line behind cover. Facing them was pretty much all of Andy's forces minus the mobility kill Leopard 1.

Charge!!!

The climax of the battle was pretty much a dice fest for each side, with more misses than hits, plus plenty of mobility kills which prevented any kind of withdrawal. The PT-76's lived a charmed life for a turn, killing two Marders. They didn't last long, yet Andy was hurting too as the T-72's proved rather effective against the Leopard 1's and even got a mobility kill on a Leopard 2! Shaun had one T-72 crew bail out - they survived their MG experience - but that didn't help as additional fire killed their tank dead. By turn 15, it was all over, with Andy reduced to plinking BTR-60's. There was a brief round of infantry fire but that ended up evens. Overall though, it was over for the East Germans.

The final defence before...

And after...

How over? Well, quite over. They had 1 BMP, the Shilka, two BTR-60's, a T-72, the SA-9 and the HQ unit (plus six infantry squads). The West Germans had three Leopard 2's, 2 Leopard 1's, four Marders plus infantry and the untouched TPZ platoon. The East Germans withdrew, leaving the town of Bratberg to be liberated.

Looking back at the game, the participants said they enjoyed it and I certainly enjoyed umpiring it. Umpiring is a conscious choice in wargaming and I often hear how people don't like it as it means they don't get to play the game. The fun I had was in knowing the period and using that knowledge to run a game that would be both fun and true to the period. And be a twat. :-)

There were issues encountered, both with my amendments (which I'll refine for the next time, which we don't know when that will be but it will be a while of yet, variety and all that being important to our club) and the rules themselves. I am still not happy with the handling of artillery in TY and I really don't like how they group arty and mortars in the same class. They aren't and that should be reflected appropriately in any rules.

The biggest bug bear - ranges. To be Frank (not Turner, Eddie!), TY's ranges are all over the place. Along with the aforementioned AT-6 issue, Steve pointed out the range of Roland compared to the Hind's armament. Roland has a range of 56 inches (8 km in the real world), yet compare that to the AT-6 (20 inches/5 km). MG and rifle fire were also discussed (AKM rifle 8 inches, G3 16 inches - yet although the bullets may travel further, effective rifle range for most infantry in the real world is rarely over 300-400m, whatever tools they are using - and yes, I am aware that it's different in Afghanistan but that's a different case altogether). The ranges are very gamesy and as Steve pointed out, it only took thirty seconds to find the relevant information online about real world ranges.

What this means is that some more fiddling about with the rules is needed and this will be done in time. That may offend some ruleset purists who declare that the written word is gospel but for me, and the rest of the TWATS, the rules form the framework, not the entirety of a game. If it is bollocks in the rules, we call it and change it. And Lord forbid what people think of us playing Team Yankee with non-TY kit!!! Speaking of rules, Jim did pose the question, "What would it have been like with Combined Arms? Same scenario, just a different ruleset". Good question and one that we may answer in a future Saturday game.

One final point. The game was designed as a demonstration game. In other words, to show what wargaming can be like and for anyone who was interested to stop us and ask questions. This people did and it was part of  the enjoyment of the day to talk to different people and inform them of what we were doing. It was not, and never will be a chore to talk about my hobby when putting something like this on. Some demo wargamers at other shows should follow that train of thought too.

Black Books

For those of you, like me, who didn't watch Black Books when it had its first run on Channel 4 between 2000 and 2004, well, you missed a little cracker.

Created by Dylan Moran and Graham Linehan, Black Books is a small scale, low budget sit-com centered on Bernard Black (played by Moran) and his unique bookshop, the aforementioned Black Books in the heart of Bloomsbury. Bernard's closest friend, Fran (Tamsin Grieg), owns a trendy gift shop next door selling, as she describes it, a "load of wank". This changes at the end of series two when Goliath Books moves in. Finishing off the central trio of the cast is the ever superb Bill Bailey as Manny, a former accountant who by sheer luck ends up as Bernard's assistant in the shop and the perfect foil to Moran (Manny's surname is Bianco, just to confirm the point).

Bernard hates the world and pretty much everyone in it, especially customers, who always seem to interrupt his drinking, smoking and reading. Manny and Fran try many different ways to get Bernard to change his view of the world, whilst he resolutely ignores every attempt made to do so.

The show lasted three six-episode series and benefits, like that great sit-com of the 1970's, Flowery Twats, of a limited run and very tight scripting. Less is definitely more. At the same time, the show managed to get pretty much a who's who of British comedy at the time to star. Kevin Eldon, Simon Pegg, Keith Allan, Martin Freeman, Nick Frost, Sam Kelly (klop!) and Peter Seranifowicz are just a handful of the guest stars. Some may only have a couple of lines but they all bring their best to the show.

Black Books combines word play and physical comedy, the latter coming most from Bailey who is on fine form. He also bears the brunt of Bernard's scathing barbs, a running gag concerning Bailey's appearance; Hawkwind, Gandalf and Jesus are just some of the names he gets tagged with. He also provides some of the most surreal moments of the show, the first episode, after swallowing the Little Book of Calm being a prime example.

Greig gives and takes as good as Bailey though, adding a layer of neurosis to Fran that breaks the surface at all of the wrong times. She has some good standout moments too, especially with a school friend hen party. She doesn't have much luck with men, despite trying her best but fate always seems to intervene.

It is Moran, however, that holds the show together, whether surrounded by a fog of cigarette smoke, knocking back the wine or just being plain unpleasant to people in general. He gives the show its icy/flinty heart and never lets go. He personifies the "don't give a shit" attitude and despite his friend's best efforts (and the feelings of friendship and paternity he has towards Fran and Manny respectively), he is never going to change.

Picking stand out episodes out of the eighteen made is difficult as there isn't a bad one among them. True, some are better than others but even the weakest is still good. However, I'll have go:

Series One:

Grapes of Wrath - having to leave the shop as it needs to be cleaned (by Kevin Eldon, "Dirty!"), Bernard and Manny agree to house sit for a friend of Bernard's. They can drink any of the cheap wine but none of the special vintage that the friend will give to the Pope. Well, they drink one of the vintage wines and spend an hysterical five minutes of the show re-inventing the wine. It is a perfect homage to every Frankenstein film ever made, completed perfectly by the under-played punchline at the end of the episode.

He's Leaving Home - the final episode of the first series, Manny leaves the shop as he is tired of the abuse he is receiving and ends up being exploited by an adult photographer (Omid Djalili). Surreal doesn't begin to describe what happens, and whilst Manny does end up materially better, morally he is in a much worse place. Suffice to say, he does return, but watch out for the final shot of the item that falls out of Manny's pocket.

Series Two:

The Entertainer - kicking off series two with style, this episode focuses on Fran learning to play the piano. Nether she, nor Bernard can, but Manny's ability, and their lies, end up with Manny inside the piano whilst Fran brags to a trio of blind Russian musicians and Bernard shows off to a woman he fancies. Bailey carries off the episode brilliantly, giving a manic yet resigned performance.

Hello Sun - the yoga episode where Fran takes up a healthier lifestyle with friend Eva (Jessica Hynes). Despite her best efforts, the controlling Eva puts too many limitations on Fran. That and a second plot where Bernard starts diagnosing Manny using Freud intertwine is a great way.

Series Three:

Manny Come Home - the series opener where Goliath Books has opened next door (led by manager Simon Pegg) and Manny has left Bernard to work there. This is a sublime episode, Pegg bringing an eerie seriousness to his role. What really got me about this episode was the management speak used by Pegg's character. If you work in any job using current management practices, you'll find this episode both funny and disturbing, in that whilst the show takes the mickey out of the whole "smile and you will enjoy it" attitude as you get to do really crappy jobs and change your personality to fit the corporate template, the real world has changed. It demonstrates that what was almost a fad fifteen years ago has now become standard practice in the modern workplace, at least having asked a few friends. The show took another swing at management speak in series two (The Fixer) and hit a boundary with that too. I'll say no more, so as not to spoil the show or get myself into too much trouble! Oh, and the picture of what Manny should look like in the workplace!!!

Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa - where we get to meet Manny's parents (Annette Crosbie and the forever brilliant Sam Kelly (klop!)). The best part of this episode, outside of Manny's fibs to his parents as to how his life is going, is the restaurant scene where, to get away from the conversation, both Bernard and Fran hide under the table and find a cocktail bar ready for them. Surreal as hell, yes, but also brilliantly funny.

One of the extras on the DVD copy of Black Books I watched were the out-takes for each series. Watching those was as funny as the show itself and definitely gives the impression that the show was a hoot to make and that every member of the cast enjoyed themselves immensely (Crosbie dropping the F bomb is a sight to behold). As a sign of how times have changed, I don't think Black Books could be made in the current climate, the amount of alcohol and smoking would guarantee a hissy fit from any of the major TV networks these days, even Channel Four. And yet, if you get the chance, give it a go. Each episode is only 25 minutes long and it doesn't take too long to get through a series. As I said above, the scripting is tight and the characterisations spot on. Highly recommended.

A Trio of Tomes

After the recent posts on Operation Warboard and how it plays, Andy very kindly loaned me three other books that he thought I might like to read. Knowing that this would lead to at least one blog post, I gladly accepted them and, without any comment on quality just yet, managed to rattle through them all over the course of a couple of days.

The three books then, are War Games by Donald F Featherstone, Wargaming World War Two by Stuart Asquith and Armoured Wargaming by Bruce Quarrie.

Aged by use, but still in decent enough condition.

I remember when £6.95 was expensive for a book...

So, first up, War Games. This is the oldest of the three and in both presentation and style, you can tell straight away that it is very much a period piece. That is not to say that it isn't useful, but given that it was first published in 1962 (this edition in 1973, with additional printings in '65, '67, '68, '70 and '72), some modern readers might be put off by the tone. I'll sum it up for you: It's your hobby, you enjoy it, make stuff up as you go along. And yes, that includes the figures!

I had some preconceptions of the contents of this book before I started reading it but what really caught me off guard was the guide to making your own moulds and, as follows, your own figures. At no point does he suggest making a copy of figures you have bought (that would be extremely dodgy), but he does suggest that if you alter existing figures to a type that aren't easily available (which seems to be very much a thing in those early days), you can then use that to cast your own. To a point, that makes sense, but not something that you would think would be suitable today. However, although the market for figures is now huge compared to the options available back in the 1960's, it did make me think about where a particular section of the figurine market is heading - namely the limited run skirmish type games, where at shows, you'll find figures breaking through the £5-6 per figure barrier with ease. Given the relative cheapness of 3D printers (or just go old school and use traditional moulds), how long will some companies survive charging such prices for models before an albeit limited section of the customer base decide "sod this for a game of soldiers" and go back to DIY methods. I am not saying that traditional manufacturing companies will go too, quantity, quality and scale of production will always mean that there will be the likes of Old Glory, Perry etc. But it did get me wondering if many, nay any, of the smaller boutique manufacturers have long term viability on a price basis alone. Then again, if the market decides that it can't be arsed and will pay the prices asked anyway, they have no cause for complaint.

Anyhoo, back to the book. It's has that grandfatherly tone that writers loved in the period, a cross between intellectual and condescending as hell, a balance Featherstone manages to keep just on the right side of easy to read. Once you get past the sections on figures, terrain and how to run a campaign, there are the meatier sections for rules - three sections covering Ancient, Horse and Musket and "Modern" (WW2) scenarios. They read quite well and I think that the TWATS could certainly get through two of the periods on a Saturday afternoon game. True, these are not the most complicated of rules but as this book is an introduction to war gaming in general, I have no issues with that. The appendices cover suppliers of model soldiers, a very small skirmish set of rules, further resources for war gamers, a list of books and literature for war gamers and a final section on the Lionel Tarr Periscope. Seems we can't get away from that particular gentleman's name in this period of the hobby...

Overall then, a worthwhile book and one that, despite it's dated approach, gives another variant of the back to basics gaming that I think the hobby needs to include in this day and age.

Something that can also be said of Wargaming World War Two, focused as it is on one period only. The layout is interesting, in that it begins with a chronological walk through of the war by theatre, at a suitably high level for space considerations but enough to give you pointers for campaigns, battles and events that you might wish to war game. Following that is a meaty section on the combatants, with specific details on force composition and organisation. We then get a technical information section on the equipment used by each participant. That takes you to page 114 before we get to the rules and scenarios. These are, once again, quite straight forward and could be worth a bash for an afternoon game. From page 138, we have a list of suppliers of figures and models, which brought back childhood memories of model shop visits as this book was published around that time when I first took historical wargaming seriously (1989). There is also a decent list of books given for additional reading which was nice to see.

Page 143 begins the naval side of wargaming, a much smaller section than the land based part but still with enough detail to get you started. Ending at page 165, there are some decent rules, a couple of scenarios and a smattering of suppliers listed for your model needs as well as another list of useful books.

Pages 167 to 190 finish the book with the air war, with the same organisation of the previous two sections, and again, whilst a little basic, give enough to get you started. And that is what this book is, in no way pretending to be the be-all and end-all for the period, just a way to get you started. In that sense, it is spiritually very close to the earlier Featherstone text and, indeed, Operation Warboard. After giving what they have suggested a go, it is then up to you to make of the hobby what you will. One thing of note is that the 16 years between the Featherstone and Asquith publications saw a vast expansion of model suppliers, most of which seem to have originated during the "golden" period of the mid to late 1970's.

Finally, we have Armoured Wargaimng and this turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. You see, what it advertises is armoured wargaimng. What you get is a (basic) history of the tank, its uses and a smattering of light technical details. That takes you up to page 113. The rules, they are 12 pages of text, followed by another 9 pages of stats. That's it, almost like the rules were an afterthought. Now I am not saying they won't be played, but looking at the values given in the stats, for example, you cannot kill a modern day 1980's MBT at all with a frontal shot. Never, not gonna happen. Hmmm... Still, they would be worth a go just to see if the mechanisms work but I will also add that the rules are for armoured warfare only - no infantry, no additional support per se.

Of the three, Featherstone and Asquith are most likely to get an airing in future games, whilst Quarrie will probably be given a miss, there being a distinct lack of content and finesse.

Thank you, Andy for the loan of these books, they have all been an interesting read, despite the aforementioned disappointments. It's always good to read up on how the hobby was perceived in the past and it does give an interesting comparison to the state of it today. Oh, and that you needed libraries. All three details texts that were out of print and recommended that you order through your local library. As quaint as that seems now in this day of Amazon, Abe and others, libraries did, and still do have a purpose, despite the disdain they seem to be held with by our elected elders and betters (cough!).

It ain't what you do (It's the way that you do it)

Or so the song goes, and there is very much a point of thinking that the same principal can be applied to wargaming as a hobby. No matter what period you prefer, historical wargaming must, almost by definition, use (to varying degrees), historically accurate rulesets. I mean, if you didn't, then it's just a dice rolling contest and if I wanted that, I'd play a board game.

After my recent review of Operation Warboard, it was decided that the next Saturday game would use these rules for a World War 2 scenario. Despite some last minute hiccups (we moved from Normandy to Africa due to model availability - this meant some tinkering during the actually game as the rules are pretty much built for post D-Day games), four of us duly arrived the the pub (would that make us a quartwat???) to give Mr Lyall's rules a go. In preparation, no expense was spared on the production of the MG, Shell Burst and Artillery templates:

The joys of acetate sheets... but practical and cheap.

Shaun was first out of the gate, volunteering to be the Italian commander, Andy took the British and Steve controlled the German forces. The scenario was designed to mirror (in spirit only), the initial ambush scenario in the book. As I was umpiring, the forces were selected by myself, so the British got three infantry squads with transport, four Matilda's, two Honeys and a couple of Universal Carriers and Dingo's. The Germans got two infantry squads with transport, three Panzer II's, a short '75 equipped Panzer IV and two Pak-36's with transport. The Italians comprised of two infantry squads, three light tanks (which for the life of me I can't recall what they were) and a very light tankette.

Scenario-wise, the British could see a hill that would give them commanding views of the area, they had to capture it and the Axis forces had to stop them. As the Germans and Italians were already there, their positions were marked on a map but not placed upon the table - it was time to see how Andy would approach this. They would only be revealed by firing or very close observation.

The British came on to the table obliquely and make straight for two clumps of trees at the base of the escarpment - two Dingo's with Honey's and a UC in support. Andy figured that there would be a gun line hiding somewhere near there - after all, they were his toys on the table and whilst he knew what he had brought, he did not know what I had allowed the Germans and Italians to have - not for once that day did the famous quote by Mr B. Bunny Esq ring out: "Ain't I a stinker!"

The top Dingo is very, very warm in this game of "Finding Jerry!"

Steve waited until the British were practically on top of him before firing. To no effect. The return fire incapacitated one Pak-36, but the next round of firing killed the attached Bren Carrier. The other Pak-36 tried its best but still had no effect on the other Honey. The British closed and managed to MG the gun crews with only one of the Dingo's being incapacitated. So far, things were looking up for the British.

At this point, I added a dice role for spotting as even though the German infantry were dug in on the slope of the escarpment, the British were that close, they could have spotted them, and so they did.

At this point, Shaun decided that he should do something, so the Italian armour started a long and majestic sweeping herd-like charge across the length of the table. It was magnificent. Sadly, with only 20cm to cover each turn, it took a while. Still, it was magnifico! Which was good, as his infantry were dug in where the armour started so wouldn't be joining in the fight anytime soon.

Il Magnifico Quartetto.

Not only that, but Andy had brought on the Matilda troop and had angled it to meet the on-coming Italians. At that point, that flank was in limbo as whilst the armour was present, there wasn't a decent gun between the lot of them and it would take close quarter battle to sort out the victor there. At the same time, Andy brought on on infantry in trucks, screened by the armour, heading for the trees which had just been cleared of the Pak-36's.

Steve was not overly happy with this and released his armour reserve that had been hiding behind the hill. With the Panzer II's leading the way, trouble was brewing for the British.

It's all go here, the British have gone defensive at the top of the picture, whilst the Germans are ready to punch through the flank.

Needless to say, it didn't take long for the Germans to get into position, by which time, the British had taken up defensive positions in the trees.

That Dingo looks very, very worried... but there is a Honey on the left - that speck of blue paint.

Top Pz II is incapacitated, right hand one is dead, the Pz IV is out for a Saturday drive and the last Pz II is not long for this world.

It wasn't long before the firing happened, and what a cock-up that was. Steve rolled consistently bad dice for the Panzer IV - as the range closed and the effect of fire increased, he rolled 1's. The same could be said for the British, who eventually rolled well enough over three turns to incapacitate and then kill two of the Panzer II's. The last one was finally incapacitated and ruled out of the game as there was nothing they could do. The addition of vehicle crew morale was needed as despite Lyall stating common sense would dictate a withdrawal, he hadn't considered the "Death of Glory" mentality that Saturday wargamers in a pub sometimes have. Also, the 20, cannon on the Panzer II's wasn't in the rules so that was added as an ad-hoc gun, beefed up a little by the rate of fire it had. Still, you had to get in close and to the flanks to use it but it was no good here.

Given the losses to the German armour, I forced a morale check on the Pz IV - which he passed with style and off he trundled past the now de-bussed British infantry, shrugging off two volleys of rear-shots from the Honeys (two 1's from Andy at exactly the wrong time!). Truly, this was a blessed tank. Of course, Steve had a plan - approach the Matilda troop from behind! Sneaky Bugger!!!

The Panzer IV makes a break for freedom and aims to be tiresome to British Matilda's.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch flank, the Italians closed the gap, whilst the British remained steadfastly stoic. Long range fire was pointless for both sides so wait we did.

Add your best elevator muzak and that's what this felt like.

But now the waiting was over, and this is where is got a bit sticky for the British as whilst Andy incapacitated one of the Italians, the rest of his shots were 1's! By this point, the Pz IV had finished its handbrake turn and was fast approaching the rear of the British armour who themselves had to deal with the remaining Italians passing through their ranks! The British even reversed half a move - the Italians (and Shaun) went wild. A rendition of Nessun Dorma was heard from the Italian infantry - although quietly as they didn't want the British to know where they were.

At this point, the British were whistling their own tune - the Benny Hill Theme. You see, whilst the Italians were racing through the British and the Pz IV was in position, the British had a Honey following the Pz IV! It would have been farcical except for the firing. Oh, wait, that was too. At least partially. The Pz IV killed a Matilda, who in turn killed another Italian tank.

All we need now is a milk cart...

Sadly for the Axis, it wasn't a long lived success. The Italians were finished off and whilst the Pz IV killed three of the four Matilda's, (incidentally, forcing a morale test on the remaining Matilda, which it passed), it in turn was incapacitated by a rear shot from the pursuing Honey and finished off the next turn.

Whilst all that excitement was happening, the British infantry had continued its wandering, two squads in the trees and the third storming the first line of German infantry.

If you go down to the woods today...

The British go in, the Germans have already taken two casualties.

With Dingo, UC and Honey support, the British soon took the first trench line, albeit with some casualties - rifle fire and MG fire killed seven Germans, their return killed five British. Still, they took the first line and paused, to wait for the other two, untouched, squads to arrive before pushing on. It was all over for the Axis.

I had some idea as to how the game would work but what I did not expect was how easily it flowed. Really, there were no long gaps for rule book searching to find something out, no real issues with game mechanics and ad-hoc elements were slotted in very easily as expected, nay, demanded by the rules themselves. Since they felt right for the period, the way that we did it mattered more than what we did, and that was surely the point.

We'll definitely be using these again, though maybe with less stuff on the table, and probably fewer tanks as these rules are very infantry-centric. What was also noted is that despite the forty plus year gap, the machanics are very similar to Team Yankee - proof that there is nothing new under the sun, no matter how may pretty pictures you fill a book with. We all enjoyed the afternoon and, as always, the Consett Ale Works Pale Ale was superb, as were the beef butties! Thank you very much, Jean!

There won't be another gathering of TWATS until the demo game at the Durham Wargames Group show in June which will be me again, this time with Team Yankee (plus my additions) using Steve's wonderful 20mm Moderns. No doubt there shall be a report here.

Handspring Visor - oh, so close!

As I have said before, I used a Palm m515 for quite a while back in the early noughties to keep track of personal and professional commitments and very quickly got used to dropping it into my pocket and having it on hand on a daily basis. But it was not the only palmtop device at the time and, indeed, not the only Palm-based device either. Starting back in 1998, there were licensed hardware manufacturers for the Palm OS and some of the best devices came from Handspring.

Handspring was a company created by the original inventor of the Palm Pilot and the founders of Palm Computing, unhappy at the time of the way Palm was being ran by their corporate overlords. What they did was take the basic concept and take a slight left turn to create this: The Handspring Visor.

The Handspring Visor - looks just like a Palm device.

Screen cover, Visor and leather case

Looking pretty similar to the original Palm Pilot, the Visor had a few differences that made it stand out from the crowd. Yes, it ran using the same Motorola Dragonball processor with either 2 or 8Mb of memory. Some models had a translucent plastic casing (Jonathan Ive has alot to answer for!) but the device I have has a very simple black casing that hasn't really aged at all - not like the beige of home computers from the time. And yes, it ran on two replaceable AAA batteries that lasted up to two months(!).

Back of the Visor, SpringBoard to the top, battery compartment and dock connector to the bottom.

But what the Visor range offered as a unique selling point was the SpringBoard slot. On the back of the device was an expansion slot that offered a variety of options that could add to the Visor's usefulness.

The cover is in the background

Whilst a proprietary design, the SpringBoard gave the Palm OS platform the option of adding additional memory, software, wired and wireless networking, GPS and even cellular cards that turned the Visor into a mobile telephone. They truly were plug and play devices, with software being added to the device once you plugged a card in, contrasting vastly with the supposed plug and play of computing at the time where it was often called plug and pray!

Now I will say that the Visor, as a basic device, doesn't do anything a Palm handheld couldn't do, apart from a few basic application tweeks: the OS was the same, but with the Springboard slot, the versatility of the platform increased a hundred-fold - albeit at a cost, the modules could be quite expensive.

Bog-standard organiser

But back to the actual device for a moment. It sports a 160x160 16 grey-scale screen, an IR port on the left hand side for wireless syncing and a proprietary connection port on the base for a docking station connection to your desktop computer. For the time, this was a speedy option, using the relatively new USB connector, rather than the then traditional serial cable. It also made setting up the dock quick easy as you didn't have to fool around with any out-of-the-way settings. As an aside, it also means connecting to a modern day computer is straight forward - hardware wise. There is also a microphone port for use with the cellular expansions, but it does little else otherwise. Despite being made out of plastic, the Visor is quite solid in the hand and doesn't make any creaky noises when prodded and squeezed. And, whilst this may just be me, I find it quite natural to use the stylus and the easy to learn Graffiti handwriting system to enter information, something that can't really be said for any touchscreen device as you are taken away from the task by the manner in which the software on modern devices wants you to act. By that, I mean the brain `gets` writing but has to adapt to tapping and swiping - and that process varies depending on the individual application you are using.

IR port and detail of the ridge effect that prevented the device slipping from your hands

There were seven buttons on the front of the device, from left to right, they were: power (with a dimple for use with the included stylus), Calendar, Contacts, Up and Down, To-Do list and Memo. The silkscreen area above has shortcuts for Home, Calendar, Calculator and Search, plus the Graffiti area itself. This is divided into two, one for letters, the other for numbers with additional shortcuts for the on-screen keyboard and numeric keypad.

Visor and supplied screen cover - note included help sticker.

The help sticker, detailing the Graffiti handwriting system

The Visor I have was very cheap to buy but still works surprisingly well for something approaching its 20th birthday. The screen is still very responsive and the only niggle I would have using it today is the back-light - it's totally useless unless you are in a pitch-black room. Aside from that, I would happily use this today, and there are still places you can get desktop software if you have a quick Google (and hardware too!). The battery life is, compared to modern day alternatives, immense, and there is something to be said for prioritising battery life over other features, especially for devices used in this manner. Sadly, it seems that functionality beats practicality for many - and I say this as an iPhone 7 user who knows damn well how that has worked out!

So what happened to Handspring? Well, it was the curse of modern technology, poor management decisions and the market in general. It tried to move into mobile communications with the Treo range, halfway houses between organiser and mobile telephone, but they were a damp squib. They were bought out by Palm (of all people) in 2003, who were themselves bought out by Hewlett Packard in 2010 but by that point, the original ethos had fizzled out, replaced by ever more capable mobile phones. There was also a lot of corporate shenanigans about branding and licensing but that could fill a book in itself.

It's a shame, really, as it wasn't too difficult to carry two devices at the time (remember, long battery life and AAA batteries meant no charger to consider, and mobile phones would be good for three to five days back then) but maybe that's the nostalgia speaking. The m515 and by association, the Visor, are probably best remembered as very good technological dead ends, but that doesn't mean to say that if you can live with the (relatively) few limitations, you shouldn't be able to still use them today.