Was That Film Really That Bad??? Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Have you ever looked at something and wondered why? Not in the sense of nature, but something created by humans that appears pointless. Things like those over-priced kitchen utensils in Lakeland shops, designated smoking areas outside of pubs and shopping centres, and indicators on Audi/BMW/Mercedes cars (delete as applicable). In each case, you never see them being used, but people have put the effort in there. For this blog post, I present to you another entry in that category - Resident Evil: Apocalypse. But was that film really that bad???

The movie kicks off with a handy re-cap of the first film. So far, so good. Then we get to the first bit of stupidity that defines this entry in the franchise. We follow the camera under Racoon City to the entrance of the Hive, where a bunch of white "bunny" suited types are going to investigate the locked down facility. They get massacred by the still extant zombies from the first movie and the outbreak hits the city. I say this is silly as they sent a combat team in the first time so a bunch of techs ain't gonna do much better. 

I hope they have good life insurance...

There is an evacuation of the Umbrella Corp's great and the good; the daughter of one goes missing, STARS (Special Tactics And Rescue Squad - a highly trained Police unit) get involved in the chaos, the city is locked down, Alice rocks up, Umbrella test their new Nemesis project and all in all, fun and shenanigans ensue.

Except it's not fun and the shenanigans are less shenaniganny than you'd expect.

He bought the RE Blu-ray collection. I feel his pain.

As with the first film, Apocalypse borrows liberally from various Res Evil games, with Jill Valentine from RE1 and 3, Carlos Oliveira (called Olivera in the film) and Nemesis from RE3, and a host of nods here and there. As before, there is fan service but it never gets in the way of making a shite film. 

Paul W S Anderson (Wor Paul) returns to the writer and producer roles for this film, handing over directorial duties to Alexander Witt. This was his directorial debut and he's not done much else in that role. As second unit director though, he's worked on Speed, Gladiator, several Bond films and many more. There is pedigree there. Sadly, he's working off a script by Wor Paul and this is where the problems really begin. Basically, this film is a giant teen boys wank fest.

Everything that happens in this film happens because it looks good. Not because it makes sense, nor because there is an internal logic that has been defined before events occur. No, they happen because the inner 15 year old of Wor Paul was let loose with a $45m budget. It worked somehow because this grossed back $129m and justified more entries to come. But how stupid, I hear you ask.

Example one: the tech guys rocking up at the Hive. Stupid. You've lost one team already, you've seen what's already come out (proto-Nemesis included) yet you send a half dozen red (actually white) shirts to kick off a city-wide infection. Stupid.

Example two: The lorry collision that leads to daughter of VIP going missing. This collision happens for no reason. It looks deliberate story-wise in the way it has been filmed, and you get the same feeling as you do with the tech dudes above. It occurs to make things happen rather than being a natural part of the story.

Example three: Olivera jumping from a helicopter using guns in both hands whilst diving to a roof top. No! Just fucking no! Yeah, he looks badass, but he'd have hit jack shit whilst hanging from that rope.

Example four: The cathedral rescue - Alice rocks up to save some of the main characters from "lickers" in the cathedral. She does this by riding a motorcycle through the main window of the cathedral, landing on one of the beasts and then blowing up the motorcycle in a slow-mo explosion. How she knew they were there? No idea. Same with the riding through the window. Just plain stupid. But it looks badass-ish.

Example five: STARS. The surviving members of STARS are holed up in a diner. They have a sniper, taking zombie pot shots at a range of no more than 50-60m (real skill there dude, not!) when Nemesis rocks up after being ordered to kill all surviving STARS members. This is watched by the bad Umbrella people via Nemesis, one of whom states that STARS are "the best of the best". This, gentle reader, is shit story telling. They've told us, not shown us. What they actually show us is a bunch of out of shape cops displaying zero tactics or fire discipline and achieving fuck all apart from dying. Best of the best, my ring piece. 

Can you see the issue here with that rifle barrel and where the target is?

Example six: The dead are rising and our cast of intrepid dumbwits walk through a graveyard. (sigh).

Why? Just fucking why would you do this???

There are many more such examples but you get the picture. 

What also doesn't help are the sub-plots: Dr Ashford (the VIP and the creator of the T-Virus) and his missing daughter, Jill Valentine and Olivera teaming up to get out of the city with Alice, Umbrella releasing Nemesis like a training program and making matters far far worse, and then Umbrella finally shutting the city off and nuking it when it goes wrong(!). It's a story-telling mess that isn't helped by the fixation on looking badass and moving from "cool scene" to "cool scene". It's also blatantly obvious that just a handful of head-shots would have turned this 93 minute movie into a ten minute short. After watching it, you wish someone had thought of that at the time. 

Casting then, and they haven't done too badly here despite the mess of a film they're appearing in. Jovovich returns as Alice, displaying all of the subtle character and emotion she did in the first film (i.e none). Oh, she puts the effort in to the fighting and looking cool, just that once again there is zero character for her to work with. Oded Fehr does a good job as Olivera, looking all stern and professional as the Umbrella merc left behind. Sienna Guillory has a harder time as Jill Valentine, a rebellious STARS officer. She looks the part and can hold a gun, but once again, her character is a caricature, barely fleshed out from the videogames. Games fans, those still watching anyway, will appreciate the accurate outfit though. 

This is Jill. Even the background gets more screen space than Jill.

There are good turns by Thomas Kretschmann as the evil Major Cain, Razaaq Adoti and Zack Ward as Valentine's and Olivera's respective doomed colleagues Wells and Ginovaef (oh shit, spoilers!) and Sandrine Holt as TV reporter Terri Morales, who is ultimately given little to do. Mike Epps does what he can to provide comedy sidekick value as "L J" Wade, whilst Sophie Vavasseur isn't overly annoying as Dr Ashford's daughter.

That just leaves Harris and Glen. Jared Harris (as Dr Charles Ashford) and Iain Glen (as Dr Alexander Isaacs, replacing the cameo of Jason Isaacs from the first film but changing his name as a nod to the previous actor) have appeared in some brilliant TV and movie roles. From The Terror, The Expanse, Chernobyl and the second Downey Jr Holmes film, to Game of Thrones, Kingdom of Heaven and Jack Taylor, each actor has delivered some cracking performances. True, they have worked for the money as well (Lost in Space and Tomb Raider respectively - and that's not a criticism - you go where the money takes you), but you know that when they are on-screen, they are doing the best they can. The same is true here, with Harris visibly trying to be better than what the script offers him, whilst Glen desperately attempts to twirl an invisible moustache in order to make his character even minutely more interesting. Sadly, the script and direction let them both down. They deserve much better than this.

Iain's found the corpse that is this movie.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse also suffers from being the sequel to the first film. Remember those CG maps that handily told you where people were in the Hive? They're back in the form of city maps as Ashford searches for his daughter. Yep, it's just as bad as the first film but it's also a cheap way of telling people what's going on. Similarly crap is the CGI used for the various creatures, and the dogs are back as well because, you know, it's a Res Evil movie.

A "Licker"... insert innuendo of your choice here...

You can also tell they are aiming at the teen fan market because of the themes that pop up. You have Valentine's outfit (game accurate but, in the real world, totally inappropriate for any kind of police work - but the look is the main thing), zombie prostitutes that (I think, and I hope I am wrong) are there to provide a bit more titillation, and the prevalence of smoking, cos, you know, smoking looks cool and all that jazz (top tip, readers, smoking is not cool). They even use a cigarette to blow shit up in a slow motion way but even then, it's so mind-numbingly stupid, it loses all sense of drama.

That's its tongue, apparently.

So, the film is acting like a rebellious teenager. Can it get any worse? Oh yes. The sound editing. Every time Jovovich swings a punch or a kick at something, they've added a whip-crack sound. At first, you don't notice this but, with some of the choreography and fight choices, the action is so slow that the whip-crack sounds like it was added as a piss take. It's terrible, and I felt as if the next thing would be for badly dubbed voices. Luckily, it didn't go that far. They could, however, have done with some lights. I know this takes place at night but there are times you literally can't seen what's going on.

This is a proper "fuck off" moment in a film full of "fuck off" moments!

Where it did go was a place that I hate to see films and TV shows go. Yes, it's the return of the re-purposed motorcycle helmet. The Umbrella special forces that appear towards the end of the film use them and once you see it, it destroys any immersion you may have with the story - and that is one hell of an achievement given what you've watched so far! When your best troops are kitted out by the nearest branch of Halfords, you know there's something not quite right here.

Literally the only bright point of this film.

If you were a massive fan of the first film, you may have looked forward to this one in the belief that it would be bigger and better. It is bigger, the sense of scale is there in the crowd scenes but the film often switches back to smaller scale locations once action is due to happen. It is not, however, better in any way whatsoever. The choices made with the story telling and the discarding of all internal logic make this film a stupidity filled mess that, if it weren't a sequel, would never have been made. Who is to blame here? The cast turn up and do their jobs, and whilst the director has a lot to take responsibility for, he's also working from a script and that script is the work of Wor Paul (who also co-produced it) so at the end of the day, it's He who is responsible for this steaming pile of bool sheet. There are others who should also take the blame here, and that's the people who saw this film in the theatres. The consequences of that was the third film in the franchise, Resident Evil: Extinction, which followed three years later. But that, gentle reader, is for another time. For now, just accept that yes, this particular film really was that bad.