Was That Film Really That Bad??? Hawk The Slayer (1980)

With the inevitability of death and taxes, we all knew this one was coming. You can't have a series of posts like WTFRTB without having, in my humble opinion, the cheesiest, most naff fantasy film ever to grace some UK woodland. A childhood favourite of mine (I knew no better, honest, M'Lud), it was with both joy and trepidation that I decided to watch it for the first time in twenty years. So sit back, one and all, for the cinematic experience that is: HAWK THE SLAYER!

Elder brother of Buffy.

Released in 1980, this 94 minute fantasy adventure was initially intended as an historic dark ages homage to the likes of Yojimbo and A Fistful of Dollars. Instead, they added a touch of magic (to the story, not the film making itself) and we got this movie instead. The plot, such as it is, follows Hawk (John Terry) whose evil brother Voltan (Jack Palance - this is the first sign that things are not what they seem) has killed their father (and in the past also killed Hawk's wife) after trying to get his hands on the last Elven mind stone. Said stone was around Daddy's neck but Voltan runs off before discovering this. Hawk comforts his dying father, who gives him the mind stone and shows him how to attach it to the hand shaped pommel of a nearby sword (handy that!), which now obeys Hawk's thoughts. Hawk then vows to kill his brother. Voltan kidnaps an Abbess from an abbey where a recuperating soldier (Ranulf) was resting, so Ranulf and Hawk team up alongside a motley crew of fantasy tropes (Gort, (giant), Crow (elf), Baldin (dwarf) and Woman (sorceress - seriously that's what she's called throughout the film), to stop Voltan and his evil ways. 

With me so far? Good. So was that film really that bad?

(Sigh) Where to begin???

Let's get the casting out of the way first. John Terry, nice bloke he may be, is not good here. With dead, soulless eyes (that the camera keeps cutting to) and an unrepentant American accent that compliments his dead badger style delivery, it's almost as if he has watched an Eastwood western but completely missed the point (and tone) of the delivery. Of course, that performance is in complete contrast to Jack Palance who, let's be honest here, must have owed someone a fucking huge favour (or they paid him a metric fuck-ton of cash) in order to have appeared in this. His performance is full of gusto, much like a pantomime dame, and whilst his enthusiasm is contagious, it has all of the effect on Terry as a pocket cagoule in a thunderstorm. Palance knows he's starring in a crap film but is playing it for keeps and I really can't blame him for that.

The supporting cast (labelled guest stars in the opening credits - guest stars in a film??? TV, yes, film, no) are a mixed bag. Bernard Bresslaw as Gort has enough cheap film making experience in his past to know the score and, like Palance, give his role some welly. Ray Charleson as Crow is monotone and serious at all times, the consummate professional gun archer for hire. Talking very much like a robot, he's sounds identical to Roddy McDowell's V.I.N.C.E.N.T from Disney's The Black Hole. Peter O'Farell as Baldin plays it for laughs and pretty much winks at the camera in every scene he's in. The late, great W Morgan Sheppard delivers a sturdy and respectable performance as Ranulf - indeed, he's probably the best out of the lot of them and has that lovely gravelly voice that never seemed to change throughout the years. Patricia Quinn as Woman (Sorceress) gets a deal as raw as her throat must have been from all of that hoarse whispering. Sadly, you will care little for any of our heroes as there is bugger all character development throughout the film. We don't even get much of an explanation of Voltan's reliance on a Dark Lord, who seems to act more as a demonic ophthalmologist than a driving force for Voltan's actions. 

It doesn't end there though. 

Annette Crosbie gives the film some gravitas as the Abbess, gravitas that is kicked, stabbed, garrotted and burned by Shane Briant as Drogo, Voltan's adopted evil son. Every time he appears on screen, you can almost hear the booing from the crew, he's that much of a panto villain. The rest of the background cast, including Roy Kinnear, Christopher Benjamin, Derrick O'Connor, Patrick Magee and Warren Clarke are familiar faces and add a hint of Dr. Who style casting to the proceedings. In fact, it appears as if half of the cast were culled from that show's casting sheets, or were just out walking the dog one day when they were dragged into costume and make up then shoved in front of the camera. At least they'd have been used to the low budget shooting approach to the film, with costumes and props feeling like something out of Who or Blake's 7. That's also the level you should think of when it comes to the dialogue too - and that's not to detract from either TV show - at their worst, they're on a par with Hawk the Slayer, and that's probably doing them a disservice. Depending on the actor, they're either too pompous, too bored, overly dramatic or just plain phoning it in. Combine that with the aforementioned lack of character development and it's hard to feel any engagement with the story or the participants.

We few, we happy few, we band of RADA's

Ah, yes, the budget. Hawk has very much a distinctive look, and that look is either a cheap indoor set that would make the Crystal Maze blush, a random back garden for the flashback scenes or some woods just off the A3. Indoors, you can't escape the lack of money, no matter what the crew do to make it look better. Outside, they mostly rely on smoke machines to hide the fact that they only have 30 square meters of woodland to play with. And when I say smoke, I mean smoke, a Silent Hill level of haze, to the point where it is difficult to see what the hell is actually going on. As for those flashbacks, seriously, that is someone's prized rhododendron bush that Palance storms out of. Props are cheap, studio work is obvious and as for the creature in the dangerous forest, well... Just well...

A Jack in the bush...

The tosh continues with Crow and Ranulf's shooting of bow and crossbow respectively. Repeating the same arrow/bolt firing (did I mention Ranulf has a fully automatic crossbow?) is a basic trick, but falls down when they don't change aim but kill people all over the place. Hawk's sword (no, don't even go there, that's my job and I'll do that later...) is also a doozy, moving into and out of his hands at will, as well as having that same "ting" sound dubbed every single time it makes contact in a sword fight. To make things more exciting, we get slow motion bits, like Hawk on horseback, Hawk running, and even the climactic sword fight. Sadly, these do nothing to raise the pulse - hell, it just makes the latter look as bad as it probably was to film.

Like a "fire bolt", I'll come bouncing back to you...

There are more laugh out loud bits: the Sorceress rescues the team with a stick shooting green silly string to the sound of a gunshot whilst the sleeping bad guys remain undisturbed; the slaver with his over-sized Mace(!), and the use of an actual test tube to deliver a sleeping drug to a mug of beer is the cherry on the top. But hold on, says I, what about the climactic raid on the abbey? Oh Jeez! "Fire bolts" in the form of flashing coloured bouncing balls sounding like laser blasts, followed up by an avalanche of fake snow! By the time that battle ends, the place is a tip, yet two minutes later, Hawk and Voltan have their final fight in the same room with no mess but neatly re-arranged furniture and bodies. You do get to see Hawk's "Sword" pose, so there is that. 

A big Hawk's Sword... told you I would go there...

Finally, we get to the music. Some weird clash of folk, disco and pipe music, with added notes of Western film, pop and synthesiser, this is all over the place but also, curiously, well suited to the film. As batshit crazy as it sounds, you'll find yourself humming bits of it long after the movie has over. 

You may be thinking then that I don't like Hawk The Slayer much. Well, you'd be wrong. This is a gloriously bad film that remains entertaining and a cheesy delight to watch. Yes, the plot is daft. Yes, there are no real characters. Yes, the acting ranges from dire to panto-heaven. Yes, it's cheap. But, it doesn't hang around for long and that's to its credit. What you get is 90 odd minutes of cinematic Stilton that warrants, nay demands, a drinking game. Every time you hear "Woman!", every time pan pipes play, every time a recognisable bit player is on screen, the options are endless. Just don't drink every time there is smoke on screen. You'll be dead before the half way mark! 

A true classic of the "so bad, it's good" genre.

Turret Versus Broadside - Book Review

Turret Versus Broadside - An Anatomy of British Naval Prestige, Revolution and Disaster, 1860-1870 to give its full title was a book pointed out to me in an email from my mate Andy. He's on the Helion & Company mailing list and thought this book might be for me, questioning whether it was too early a period for my interest. Not at all was my reply and an order was quickly made. The author, Howard J. Fuller, has written a studious tome concerning the ten year period from the launch of the first iron-hulled frigate, HMS Warrior, to the loss of the masted turret ship HMS Captain. Beginning with the loss of the Captain and then going back to tell the tale of how and why the Captain came about, Fuller has written an engaging and thoughtful narrative about how the introduction of new technologies, changing international politics and personal rivalries culminated in the loss of nearly 500 lives.

There appears to be an almost unshakable belief that during the 19th Century, the Royal Navy ruled supreme, supporting a Pax Britannica that encouraged peaceful trade, led the fight against the slave trade and kept Britain at the height of its powers. That may be a very comforting idea, what with 150 years plus of nostalgia and pride, but it's really not that simple. In fact, Pax Britannica could be considered a jingoistic throwback because there was anything but Pax for a great deal of that century for neither Britannia nor many other countries.

Coming off the shambles that was the Crimean War, the Royal Navy found itself in a bit of a mess. Well supplied forts and an enemy that didn't venture out for a traditional Nelson-esque naval battle had deprived the senior service of widespread glory. Following that conflict, the traditional rivalry with it's erstwhile ally France had re-ignited and the launch of the latter's La Gloire, the first ocean-going ironclad, led to a naval race for ironclad ships. 

Alongside ironclads, which were a response to the experiences of the Crimean War, you also had the invention of turrets, the first being patented by Captain Cowper Phipps Coles in 1859. He saw the advantages of the turret over the broadside and wanted this to be proven in an actual ship. This smacked straight into opposition from Edward Reed (Chief Constructor of the Royal Navy 1863-1870) and Robert Spencer Robertson (Controller of the Navy 1861-1871), both of whom were heavily invested in the broadside design for ironclads.

But wait, as a man once said, there's more.

The American Civil War introduced the Monitor to the world and provided a powerfully defensive ship for ports and coastal areas, but one that was not suitable for ocean-travel. The thought of conflict between the US and Britain, so easily talked about in the early years of the 1860's quickly changed when it was seen that the Monitor and its descendants could prevent the Royal Navy from it's traditional method of war fighting and even threaten the security of Canada via the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence Seaway.

The increase in naval firepower brought round by huge smoothbore cannon and the latest in rifled muzzle-loaders also threatened the ironclads, as these guns could pierce the thickest of armour then floating. This led to pressure for increasing the size of ships - bigger guns, heavier armour, more complete armour protection and the continued idea of pitting ships against forts, which again had even bigger guns, all combined to worry the "public" about the strength of the navy. Indeed, the contrasting priorities of wooden sailing ships for empire policing, steam powered ironclads for fleet action and Monitor type vessels for attacking forts/port defence such as Cronstadt all led to a worrying increase in naval expenditure. It didn't help that singular, massively expensive ships like the Warrior were, at the same time, both wonderfully public displays of the strength of the Royal Navy and prime examples of how behind the times the service appeared to be, especially compared to other nations. 

This was not helped by the continued battle between the publicly owned shipyards and private ship builders. The former were seen as a traditional source of national power, the latter as profit-seeking wastrels. "Public" opinion, as expressed in letters to the newspapers and journals of the day (most notably the Times of London), was not inclined to see the Navy suffer for want of private profit. That these private yards were building ships for foreign orders seen as superior to those being built for the Royal Navy did not help matters either.

The need to cover the cost of the Navy also revealed the strains of Empire - would the "mother country" pay up or would she demand the constituent parts pay their fair share? And you may have noticed my use of the word "Public". That too, was another strain on the government, with the Reform Act of 1867 initially not only doubling the electorate, but also backfiring in 1868 when the Conservative government that formulated the act was voted out. The "Public" as it were, was a small part of the population but it's voice was heard to great, if not positive, effect.

The above it must be said, is mostly background, as the core of this book is the battle that Coles undertook to get a turreted ship designed and built. I'll not go into too much detail, but the political battles between Coles and the recalcitrant duo of Reed and Robinson were both private (within the confines of the Admiralty) and public (The Times and other publications), acrimonious and bitter. The two establishment figures come across as the villains of the piece, wedded to their existing designs for ships, deflecting criticism for not attempting to use turrets, especially after the Monitor appeared, and more concerned about private gain, be in money (Reed) or power (Robinson). The latter's attempt to gain control of ship building within the Royal Navy and to rubbish any private ship building was shocking even to contemporaries and together, they loaded the die against Coles when he came to design and have built (in a private yard) the Captain. 

The conclusion of this book is, in my opinion, fair to both sides and quite ironic. Despite the fears of falling behind other powers, the Royal Navy after 1870 had the Devastation building, a turreted, steam-powered ship that ended the argument between turrets and broadsides for good. It had also lost France as an enemy for at least a generation, that nation having suffered defeat at the hands of Prussia and having proven that, despite it's powerful navy, that service could do nothing against von Moltke's army.

Turret Versus Broadsides then is a book well worth reading if this period is your thing. It's very readable, engaging and well researched, shining a light on a period little discussed, but one with huge ramifications for naval and political developments for the rest of the 19th Century, As the author notes, by the time the court martial regarding the loss of the Captain had finished, British supremacy could be guaranteed for that generation, but not much longer.

You can buy Turret Versus Broadside direct from the publisher here. If you are a naval wargamer then Tumbling Dice do a rather decent HMS Captain in their 1/2400 Victorian naval range - you can order the Captain via this link here.

SnackSurprise - The January Box - Bulgaria

All good things come to an end and, with that being the case, welcome to the first and final snack box of 2021. For our last SnackSurprise post, we shall be experiencing the highs and lows of Bulgarian nibbles.

I Tetris'd the shit out of that!

Our final selection.

Would we end on a high or would the Bulgarian box prove to be a disappointment? A quiet Saturday afternoon would prove it one way or another.

They put lots in this bag, the bastards...

Savoury snacks first and we're off with Zayo Bayo, a corn-based snack with the flavours of cream and dill. In a promising start, the bag was full to the brim but that's where, for me, it turned sour. The smell released from the bag was like the foetid atmosphere of an ancient tomb. Past that, we sampled the rather soft, almost stale texture of the snack itself. The cream half did ok, but that dill really was off-putting and for me, it was a solid no. My good lady remains on the fence about these.

A new accompaniment to soup...???

We followed up with Kubeti Pizza, which turned out to be small toasted pizza flavoured bread cubes. Very crunchy and heavy on the tomato and oregano, my good lady remarked that these would be quite nice in tomato soup, resembling as they do, croutons. I can't help but agree, but not sure if we would ever be brave enough to try that particular recipe. 

Early enough for Beer Nuts, not early enough for beer.

The Beer Nuts were the last of the savoury snacks and, well, as you can see, they are peanuts covered in a crunchy, roasted shell. Ok, they're day-glo orange but actually tasted quite nice, with a lovely texture and a pleasant, not over-powering, flavour on top of the expected peanut. Sadly, these were not consumed with beer (it was half one in the afternoon and that's just too early for home drinking), but you can easily buy equivalents in the UK.

A bit squished, but tasty nonetheless.

Milkiss began what turned out to be one hell of a choccy fest. A triple-layered coca cake with a milk cream filling, this had suffered a little in transit but was still good enough to eat. And what a treat it was, a strong smell of chocolate was backed up with a similarly strong taste. The filling was just sweet enough without becoming cloying and the cocoa powder is a nice touch on the top. A lovely little snack.

Good stratification there.

A chocolate wafer next, with the very crumbly Nestle Mura. Not too hard, nor too dry, you get enough of the chocolate in the wafer and the milk filling kept it from desiccating your gob. A good choice to have alongside a coffee, it did the job.

The offending item is circled here.

The Balkan Cake Bar had more chocolate, wrapped around a soft cake bar that, frankly, had a very strange taste. It came across as sour cherry but had a perfume quality that sat badly with the overall idea of the bar. Not at all nice, so much so that I pre-emptively forgot to take a picture of it.

ORANGE!!!!!

Another wafer bar now, with the Borovets Wafer that's listed as having a hint of orange and peanut. That, gentle reader, is complete and utter horse shit. The orange in this chocolate wafer bar smacks you round the face and teabags you into submission. Having said that, there was still a subtle peanut essence there, but by God it's scared of the orange stomping around your gob. With maybe a bit less of the orange, this would have been a nice, if slightly boring, wafer bar, but alas...

It's a Milky Way.

Svoge Republika was another chocolate bar, and, simply put, it's a Milky Way, only slightly firmer. 'Nuff said.

Cake disc of honey/ginger goodness.

Medovinka was another snack of cake-y goodness, but by this point, both my good lady and I were suffering from the excess of chocolate. Even after having just a bite of each snack, things were getting a tad sickly. Still, this honey flavoured cake only had a thin choccy shell.  The cake itself was quite moist and had overtones of ginger as well. However, there was no way in Christendom or any other spiritual land that we could handle more than a bite each. Still, nice enough.

Cat poo? Resin block? Nope. Sugar HELL!!!

What the actual fuck is this? Chaika Dessert was a silver foil wrapped hard nugget of... Well, what? Apparently a classic dessert bar, this seemed to be a foil wrapped cat turd, or a small block of resin (allegedly... so I have been informed...). It was actually a thick chocolate shelled bar of sugar. The white fondant filling felt like 100 percent sucrose that definitely set teeth on edge. Extremely unpleasant and kind of made the heart pine for foiled cat poo.

Horrible little flowery bastards.

Temenuzhki Drops were the final snack, a small, hard sweet in the shape of flowers. They had a horrible floral taste of Violet and I couldn't finish mine. My good lady lasted another 20 seconds (she's made of sterner stuff) but in the end, she too disposed of the offending sweet. However, to avoid waste, these shall be kept as my brother in law likes this kind of stuff. Weirdo...

A bottle of fizzy honey piss... interesting...

Last, but not least, was Derby Etar, the drink of the box, and was advertised as having the "iconic" Bulgarian flavour of Etar, a combination of caramel and honey. What it certainly had was an unpleasant smell once you cracked the bottle top open, but when you had a drink, you knew why. It was foul. Very floral, the honey overpowers you and made this a horrible drink. As per usual, it felt like we're more unlucky than lucky when it came to the drinks side of SnackSurprise.

Overall, this was a mixed box, with an over-reliance on chocolate and some favours listed in the guide as "interesting" but coming over as just plain bad. Still, one or two highlights means this month's selection wasn't a complete bust.

So then, that's it for SnackSurprise. The subscription has been cancelled and we shall receive no more. It's been an interesting experiment and we've found some lovely little snacks, but there haven't half been some bad ones as well. It's certainly been an experience.

Amiga Addict - Issue Two Review

The latest issue of Amiga Addict landed through the letter box at the beginning of the week and it was something I'd really been looking forward to. When it was announced this issue was for sale, I took the opportunity to subscribe for 12 issues, which not only gets me a physical copy in the post but also a pdf copy on the day of publication. Although I downloaded that copy, I resisted the temptation to read it as the whole point of subscribing to enjoy the physical mag itself. Still, it's nice to have an electronic copy I can transfer to a tablet for future reference. So was issue 2 worth waiting for? Oh, yes!

But before we get into that, a quick note. This will be the last "review" of Amiga Addict from me. By that, I mean I won't be putting up identikit posts every month as that will just get a tad monotonous. However, when there is something to talk about, maybe an article that has caught my attention, or something I have followed up on after reading about it in the magazine, then I'll put out a post that references the mag. As it stands, my final comments at the bottom of page should be taken as writ until such time as I tell you otherwise. You'll also note, by the way, that I've only put one picture in this post, and that's of the cover. If you want to see more, go visit the Amiga Addict website and buy a copy. 

For the magazine itself, it begins with the usual regular sections (News, Keyboard Warriors, Back in the Day and Demoscene), which are entertaining and informative as before. However, the bulk of the magazine is made up of articles that definitely made me think subscribing was a good idea and these are divided into four sections: Amiga Focus, Amiga Insight, On Screen and Testbench.

The Amiga Focus section is comprised of five pieces: a photo montage of Amiga Addict in the hands of the public, the Amiga on the high street, UK user groups and meets, memoirs of an Amiga gamer and  Amiga magazines. I particularly liked the one on UK user groups, though sadly there isn't one in the north-east of England.

Amiga Insight contains the meat of the magazine, the four pages making up the first part of Memories of Dave Needle being both funny and poignant, with part two following next month. The six pages on DMA Design brought new insights of the famous software developer, whilst A day in the life of Amiga Action was a lovely little nostalgia trip to the 1990's. Finally, we have a two page article on Demoparties containing an interview with organiser Ruairi Fullam. Each of the articles is well written, no fluff, no filler, and all very interesting.

On Screen gives us games, from opinion piece Six of the Best, to a game guide for Moonstone and reviews of The Addams Family, Jim Power in 'Mutant Planet' (never heard of it but I do want to play it now after reading the review), No Second Prize and Super Sprint DRS. I quite like the retro reviews, especially as it brings titles that I knew nothing about to my notice. That's part of the reasoning behind my slowly growing collection of 3DO reviews for Retrovideogamer.co.uk, to bring attention to a format and its games that might have passed gamers by at the time and may be unknown to younger folk today. Just don't keep track of the average review score for these though, this was not a system blessed with classics...

Back to the magazine and we have a piece on the CD32, a machine I really wanted to get hold of back in the day but one that I never found the money for. Maybe one day, if the price is right... I hope this series continues for many issues to come and I thoroughly enjoyed the reviews of CD32 titles Bubba and Stix, and Cannon Fodder.

Testbench gives us news on the latest OS4.1 update, a review of Amiga Power, a soundtrack album that I think may be making it's way onto a wish list soon and a brilliant two-pager on the CDTV, another seemingly forgotten and vastly underappreciated Commodore product, and one that, if my student loan hadn't been hammered by an N64, I should have picked up from a second-hand shop in Kingston-upon-Thames way back in 1997, but didn't. What can I say, I was young and foolish... How to adapt a light gun for your Amiga and the piece on DJ-ing with the PT-1210 software both get two pages a piece and add a bit of variety - not my cup of tea but well worth reading out of interest anyway. The best article, for me, was the Amiga Tech tree, an easy to understand single page guide to what hardware/software options you have if you want to enjoy the Amiga. Hopefully, there will be some more in-depth pieces in future focusing on this topic. The editorial notes there was a planned review of the UnAmiga board but the hardware remained stuck in postal hell at the time of publication so maybe next month...

It's nice to see a couple more advertisers this month as well, both from a consumer point of view and a revenue one for the magazine, and the announcement on Discord that over 1000 copies of the first issue were sold bodes well for the future.

There we have it then, the second issue of Amiga Addict and one that continues the quality, in both writing and production, of the first. A brilliant issue and I'm more than happy with the decision to have subscribed. You can check out the magazine website here, and purchase either a single issue to give it a try or start a subscription from the currently available issue.