Was That Film Really That Bad??? - Death Train (1993)

Did you know there was a Yorkshire International Film company? No? Me neither. But there was, and before you go searching for those elusive cinematic outings of Last of the Summer Wine or Emmerdale Farm (they doesn't exist!), there was a film that YIF was involved in that, whilst not filmed in Yorkshire, seemed to have a budget similar to the average episode of those TV shows. From such humble origins, a question must be asked of Death Train. Was that film really that bad???

Alistair MacLean's Death Train, to give this film its full title - although it was also called Detonator in the US - is a 1993 action thriller starring a pre-Bond Pierce Brosnan, flexing his acting and action muscles post-Remington Steele. He plays Mike Graham, a retired "business associate" of Malcolm Philpot (Sir Patrick Stewart, taking a break from the Enterprise D), head of UNACO.

T' Yarkshire!

UNACO (United Nations Anti-Crime Organisation) may seem familiar to some. It was the organisation used in a series of books headlining Alistair MacLean but written by others using his notes. The first, Hostage Tower, was turned into a TV movie for CBS way back in 1980 starring Keir Dullea, Peter Fonda, Douglas Fairbanks Jnr, Maud Adams, Britt Ekland and Billy Dee Williams. It's not a bad made-for-television movie and certainly looks the part considering it was shot entirely on location in Paris. Alongside Hostage Tower and Death Train, the only other UNACO novel to hit the screen was Night Watch (also known as Detonator II: Night Watch) in 1995, Brosnan's final film before Goldeneye. The rest, as they say, is history.

Evil Thomas is going to screw up Sodor.

Back to Death Train, and the plot is pretty simple. Disgruntled Russian General Konstantin Benin (Sir Christopher Lee) has enlisted the help of a German physicist to create a nuclear bomb that, in a completely off the wall way, will allow the Soviet Union to regain its rightful place as a world superpower... Yeah, I know, but it's a TV movie, what do you expect? To do this, he's put said bomb on a train along with a ton of mercenaries led by right wing conspiracy nut Alex Tierney (Ted Levine - he of doggies, baskets, aggressive skin care routines, and constant asking if you'd make the beasts with two backs with him...). To stop said crackerjacks, Philpott enlists Graham, Sabrina Carver (Alexandra Paul) and C.W. Whitlock (Clarke Peters), plus a fairly anonymous cast of European associates to add a bit of flavour. These generic characters are also used to introduce a level of treachery because, you know, dodgy stereotypes must be observed.

Someone is going to need some talcum powder... and Lynx Africa!

If you've ever seen this movie, you'll already know what I am going to start off with, and yes, it's the budget. This film was shot on a shoestring in Slovenia and Croatia during 1992 and it shows. They do the best they can, but once you've seen Carver shoot a "grenade launcher" or, even better, that helicopter rocket attack, you'll know you have a slice of pure cinematic Wensleydale. 

Rockets galore! Yet not a single one on target.

That is not to say that there isn't some enjoyment to be had from watching this and it is certainly more than just a curio for those wanting to see pre-Bond Brosnan - even if he still looks far too young in this role and his "accent" wanders more haphazardly than any of those rockets! 

For all you Amiga fans out there: Scala!

Arguably the biggest mis-steps are the direction and the script. The character interactions, at least as far as the UNACO team go, fall flat most of the time. Where there should be camaraderie, there is awkwardness. Where there should be banter, it sounds more like they're talking to their creepy uncle. Brosnan isn't helped by coming across as a sexist moron, whilst Alexandra Paul lacks the oomph to make the retorts hit back in any meaningful way. Aficionados of action movies of the 70's to 90's will recognise the tropes from the start but by this point, said tropes were wearing more than a little thin. As for the scheme to transport a bomb across most of Europe into the Middle East, well, it's different. 

Never look the Headmaster in the eyes! Especially when he's cos-playing!

Minor characters suffer too - the traitor sub-plot is obvious a mile away, C.W. is practically a functioning alcoholic given the amount he drinks from that hip flask, and Sir Pat Stew does his best with almost nothing at all. Those of you who remember the Demon Headmaster TV show of the early 90's will rejoice to see Terrence Hardiman playing a German Police commander, whilst kudos should always be given to Sir Christopher Lee, whose ability to "get by" in Russian is demonstrated well here, although the region 2 DVD lacks subtitles so I have no idea what he was actually saying. Levine gives good value as the on-train bad guy, even if his trigger technique is... concerning.

Picard found the new holo-novel quite disappointing.

It doesn't help that whoever trained the actors in firearms handling really wanted to use the Dummies Guide to Action Films, rather than, you know, have them even pretend to use the sights on the kit. The hospital fight scene is diabolically bad, and the lack of budget makes Lee's scenes look as if they were filmed guerrilla style in Zagreb.

More wacky rocket action!

Comment must also be made about the music. It's fits like a glove at times, but at others, it jars terribly, like lift muzak in a gunfight. Pacing is something else, and the relatively exciting helicopter attack and tunnel gun fight give way to a denouement that a) feels like it was written on the back of an envelope, and b) a whip round of the cast and crew's loose change was used to complete filming. 

Mike Graham will return...

Yet, for all of that, Death Train is a decent Friday night movie, either as a post-pub time filler or something to occupy you whilst you polish off that second bottle of wine, 'cos you'll need the mild anaesthetic of booze to see you through this. It has numerous flaws and plot holes - landing the chopper right in front of the news crew, that tease about a second bomb - but the principals do put the effort in (excepting Brosnan's dialect coach... if he had one). You could do far worse and I hope one day to pick up Night Watch as well but that thing is rarer than rocking horse poop. If I do, you can bet there will be a post about that one too, even if only for Brosnan's facial hair...