Was That Film Really That Bad???: The Three Musketeers (2011)

If you are of a certain vintage then any mention of The Three Musketeers will bring back immediate memoirs of Richard Lester's 1970's two-part adaptation that, in your scribe's humble opinion, remain two of the funniest, period and best cast films of all time. That has not stopped there being multiple adaptations over the years and in 2011, Paul W.S Anderson (yes, Wor Paul again), had a go at bringing the story to the silver screen for modern audiences whilst adding a clock-punk aesthetic. Now hold on, bonny people! You might presume this film is shite because Wor Paul directed and produced this but, since we are not jumping to conclusions, we must be fair and ask: was that film really that bad???

Plot wise and the core story is pretty much faithful to the book - young Gascon, d'Artagnan (Logan Lerman), heads to Paris to join the Musketeers, gets into a fight with the famous trio (Matthew Macfayden as Athos, Ray Stevenson as Porthos and Luke Evans as Aramis), then gets dragged along to stop a plot to embarrass the ineffectual King and Queen (Freddie Fox and Juno Temple) by making it look like she's schtupping the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) and cause a war with England. Along the way, there is treachery from Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich), sword fights with Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen) and double dealing by Cardinal Richelieu (Christophe Waltz). By the end of the film, d'Artagnan is a Musketeer and got the girl (lady in waiting, Constance, played by Gabriella Wilde), the famous trio have re-discovered their swagger and the Cardinal's plan has been foiled. See, easy peasy. Except this is Wor Paul and, well, yes...

This intro is cool, there's no denying that.

As I said before, there are clock-punk elements, so this takes the film straight into science fiction territory. There are literal "airships", diving suits and complicated clockwork gadgets. This is not your traditional Musketeer film. Having said that, this does work in the film's favour, at least at the beginning.

Three Men and a (Mi)Lady.

You see, the introduction to the famous trio is a heist in Venice to steal some of DaVinci's drawings for a war machine. The Musketeers are effectively secret agents and their are brought to the screen quite well. It's a fun premise and, when the treachery happens, sets up the familiar "down on their luck" narrative. It also leads to a lovely exposition drop in the form of an animated flyby over France with little wargaming style figures and a voice over by Macfayden. No, seriously, this is a cool intro and works very well, not something I would usually say about an exposition drop but hey, do it with a sense of style and it'll work. The thing is, the clock-punk theme is good as long as it's believable. That sense of reality soon disappears and this film has more problems that just that.

His name is "Buck" and he likes to f...ormulate plans against France.

First up, the direction. Ever see a movie when people do stupidly long jumps and survive almost certain death just "because". Yep, just like a videogame movie, the same thing happens here. From the long floor slide Milady manages in Venice, to d'Atagnan's leap from the Tower of London to, once again, Milady's acrobatics in a second heist and her survival from that jump into the Channel, this film is full of "fuck off!" moments that make you want to shout at the screen. That includes Aramis' descent at the start of the film that would have ended up with his ankles around his earlobes if he'd done that in real life. 

"Action" scene one for Ms Jovovich.

The silliness doesn't end there though. Shortly after that landing, he deals with the troops on the gondola, gets the key he wants off the rich dude who was woo-ing a lady on said gondola, kicks dude off and then proceeds to have a bit of nookie with said lady. But in the time between dunking the dude and settling with the lady (so about five seconds), all of the blokes he's put in the water have disappeared. It's brain dead storytelling to just make something look cool. Which of course, brings me to the "airships".

Literal Air-Ships... and iffy CGI.

This is where The Three Musketeers not only jumps the shark, it ties an air bag to it to act as fighter escort to the silliest clock-punk part of the film. DaVinci invented flying ships, so naturally England and France get to build their own versions and we see them fight in the skies. Except they fight like sailing ships, blowing sodding great big chunks of wood out each other, rather than, as they do later on, hit the obvious and blatantly unprotected air bag that's keeping them hundreds of feet off the ground. This does, however, mean that we get exploding wood and dramatic explosions, but still, it's a stretch too far. I should also point out that the CGI used for these ships, as well as the city shots and (shudder) water can vary from almost decent to Fisher Price my-first-CGI level. The water effects in Venice are terrible and the shimmering in the city shots is distracting on the DVD version. Blu-Ray is better, but that only highlights how dodgy the really bad imagery is.

This just doesn't look "right".

But what about the cast you ask? 

The bit parts are decently done though again there are strange decisions abound. Dexter Fletcher has a cameo as d'Artagnan's father but plays it with an American accent(!), Bloom is suitably pantomime-like, all slimy and preening as Buckingham (but what the actual fuck is going on with that hair???), and both Mikkelsen and Waltz practically twirl their moustaches as the villains of the piece. Sadly, both are underused and their talents wasted, Waltz in particular. You know he can be mesmerising (Inglorious Basterds, Django Unchained - no surprises there, Tarantino directed both of those), yet here he is flat and, dare I say it, bored. Fox and Temple do what they can as the King and Queen, though that particular sub-plot is badly handled and almost non-existent, which is something I wish could also be said of the one cast member who has not yet been named...

Waltz demonstrating the sleep-walking school of acting.

James-fucking-Corden. Before the flaming torches and pitchforks come out, yes, he can be good at some things (but you'll need to convince me there), but in this film, he fucking destroys the scenes he is in. There is no acting as such, and his delivery is tone deaf. Unfunny and with a maniacal laugh that will grate your cerebral cortex, the only vaguely amusing scene he is in is when he gets shat upon by birds. That, however, is too late and he has already dumped mightily on this film. 

FUCK OFF!

At least we have four charismatic leads though. Well, yes, if they actually had much to do. Lerman is good value but doesn't have the screen presence of Macfayden, Stevenson and Evans and it shows. Macfayden is the highlight of the trio and plays it pitch perfectly. As Porthos, Stevenson gives it great gusto but his character (admittedly like most of them on-screen) is broad but shallow. It's a shame as he is a cracking actor and is capable of handling much more than he's given here. At least he gets to say something, as Evans sinks into the background and is left behind in a lot of scenes. It's like the scriptwriters didn't know who to create a group dynamic with three, later four, characters. 

Literally, what the actual fu...!

But then, this isn't really a Three Musketeers film. Nope. This is where Wor Paul stamps his size fifteen DIRECTOR boots on the film. Because his wife plays Milady and she gets almost equal screen time as the Musketeers. In fact, I am certain she has more lines than Stevenson and Evans combined. That Bond-like opening in Venice - after the guys are introduced in a cool and effective manner, she gets her long, slow motion floor sliding with crossbows firing over her head bit. If that wasn't enough, the extended necklace theft in the mid-section of the film has her slow-motioning several guards and another "fuck-off" moment where she jumps, spins and twirls through a complex mesh of razor wire. These feel straight out of a Resident Evil film and they really do not suit this one. It takes away from the central story of d'Artagnan and the Musketeers. 

Another action scene for Ms Jovovich.

I get why this was done, and it wasn't just to pander to the Director and his wife, but when your film is called The Three Musketeers, try and keep it about them (and d'Artagnan, obviously). There is some genuinely funny banter between the quartet and it shows promise, but not tied to the overly CGI'd mess that this film becomes. The depiction of the Tower of London looks half finished and the scene where Buckingham visits the King and we see an airship for the first time... (sobs quietly in the corner for a few minutes). And yet, there is promise, with little nods to the Lester films like background funnies (a footman being hit by a pole (with suitable "donk" sound effect) and then falling in the fountain). There is some thought in here, as well as warmth and whimsy, but it is drowned out by vapid and ridiculous approach that mirrors the way Wor Paul had with videogame movies. Credit should be given to the music though - there is a playful joyousness about the general theme which makes you wonder if maybe they should have set the tone of the movie to the same level as the music.

It looks worse in motion, if such a thing were possible.

The Three Musketeers was a $75m bet that took back $135m at the box office. Not a bomb, by any means, but not a success either. You can see where this could have worked, but they created a mish-mash of styles that looks both brilliant (the basic clock-punk aesthetic works, the filming locations and the frankly superb costumes) and cheap (pretty much anything with CGI). It's a terrible shame as I quite liked this when it first came out. As time has passed, its flaws are more than obvious (fucking Corden) and whilst it ends baiting the audience for a sequel, that obviously never happened. If it had, I would like to have seen more of the quartet, less Milady, much less Planchet and maybe a bit more fun. As it stands, this is a curio, more miss than hit, but there are snippets to enjoy, so not really that bad.